


Last Christmas

by domniall



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Christmas, Depression, Drug Use, M/M, Relapse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-06
Updated: 2016-01-06
Packaged: 2018-05-12 05:11:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 35,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5653603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/domniall/pseuds/domniall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>... I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Last Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know where to begin???? This is literally based off one of my all time favorite Christmas songs and I've always wanted to write a Christmas fic so here you go. 35k words of this mess.   
> Thank you to my beta and queen, Tiana. She listened to me whine about this fic for like a month too long and she deserves this fic so much.   
> Thank you also for all the people on Twitter who kept asking where this fic was and I told it was coming soon; here it is!!!!   
> Also thank you Wham! for writing this beautiful song. I hope I did it well.

The tree was lit in the main entrance way with a few early wrapped presents laying under it; some for Anne and Jay, one for Robin, and none for the siblings because they already had too many toys from Santa already. The flat smelled strongly of pine and hot cocoa, the windows steamed up a bit in the kitchen from the warmth of the oven cooking a dark turkey over flowing with juices. In the background,  _ Wham _ !’s Last Christmas played over the radio. Even Eusebius, the black and white cat, had on a red and green sweater with a big puff ball sitting right above his tail. 

Harry calmed the cat trying to wrestle itself out of the monstrosity and he huffed. “Why don’t you like your sweater, kitty? Lou, he doesn’t like his sweater.” Harry rose his head from the angry cat to across the kitchen, watching Louis press the thermometer into the meat of the turkey.

“Oh, I don’t know, because it’s horribly ugly.” He turned his head, giving a knowing look to the long haired man in the chair. Harry returned a pout to him Louis before glancing back down to the feline. “Isn’t that the point of an ugly sweater party though?”

“Not when you’re a cat. He absolutely hates his life.” Louis mumbled, watching as the material was easily being shredded on the hardwood floors. Harry squawked loudly before he was going for the cat, tugging the threads off Eusebius. He hissed before running off towards the living room, skidding under the couch while Harry stood frowning with the puffball in his hand. Louis just laughed and pushed the turkey back into the oven, closing the door up and rinsing off the metal thermometer. “Should be done on time.” 

“If you do that to the sweater I bought you, you’re sleeping with the cat.” Harry huffed, throwing the mess of material into the trash. He then made his way towards Louis at the sink, closing the gap between them. His hands slipped down along Louis’ hips and pulled him flush back up against his front. Louis hummed only to shake his head once. “Sure I’ll love it, babe,” Louis mumbled as his head turned and was pressing a few soft kisses up along the scruff along Harry’s jaw.

The taller boy just laughed as he hugged himself closer to his boyfriend, his hair falling to coat over his face. He quickley pushed it up back over his head before shifting his hips to press up along Louis’s bum, milking a soft moan from his lips. “Harry, need t’finish the dinner..”

“Not even a quick one? Over the counter?” Harry spoke low in his deeper voice, the one he used to get his way plenty of times.

“But they’ll-” the doorbell rang through the house in a sweet chime. “-be here soon.” Louis huffed and nudged himself roughly back against Harry to push him off. Harry stumbled back and groaned as his own back hit off the counter behind him that caught his tumble. Louis glanced back around to glare up and down over him for a moment as he made his walk from the kitchen towards the door. He made it past the shining tree, smiling brightly to himself as the nostalgia settled into his bones. His memory was wiped however as soon as he opened the door.  


“Well you’re finally here.” Louis rolled his eyes as he saw the man on the other side, wearing a red and white sweater underneath his leather jacket; a red Santa hat on top of his head. Zayn smirked and pushed past Louis so he could walk himself in. “Yeah, finally here mate. Streets were fuckin’ crazy. Seems like everybody was outside.” 

Louis huffed before pushing the door shut behind him as he followed in. “Hmm, it’s almost like there’s a holiday near? Would you know of one?” He came up behind the taller boy to flick his ear only to scurry away as Zayn came for his arm.

“Shut up, ya little asshole. You’re only crabby cause you had cooking duty this year. Smells good, though, love.” Zayn was shrugging his jacket off to hang it up to his side, his boots coming off next before he bent to place them on the mat next to the door. He’s been there way too many times where he forgot to take off his shoes and Harry gave him 5 minute speeches about the neatness and he’s honestly had enough of them.

“Aww, we both know I’m better than Mr. Burns The Bead Styles.” Louis spoke mockingly while Harry strolled into the room just soon enough to hear the end. “Heeyyyy! It was one time!”

“Love, you burn something every time. Maybe I should just do the dinners every year.” Louis rose his brows to Zayn looking for agreement, which Zayn returned. “He’s got a point, beb.”

Harry rolled his eyes. “Zayn loves my pudding, though, isn’t that- Oh my god! Is that deer smoking a blunt?!” Harry screeched as he turned to Zayn, pointing out his ‘ugly’ sweater. Louis eyes quickly lit up and he was following the direction of Harry’s finger only to begin barking out in a loud laugh when he has seen the design on Zayn’s sweater, which is, of a reindeer smoking a blunt.

“Jesus, Zayn, my  _ nan  _ is coming tonight!” Harry cries out while Louis only laughs louder, Zayn following along with him.

“Bro, where did you get that thing?” Louis piped in with a chuckle and he was pinching on the arm of Zayn. He only laughed and shook his head.

“Was a gift from another friend of mine, mate. Gotta get you one, definitely.” Zayn was patting on the back of Louis while Harry absolutely couldn’t believe this was happening in his entrance way. He sighed out a slow breath in realizing that he’d have to explain to his nan it didn’t mean anything. 

“Yes, you do!” Louis exclaimed while leading the other man into the kitchen where they once were. Outside, the snow was just beginning to fall over top the still busy west London.

\--

Soft chatter filled up the warm rooms, the chandeliers turn low over top the heads while the floors were lit up with stringed lights lying along the wall. The strings lead the guests either to the dining room or back to the made up front room entrance, showing off the bright tree decorated by Louis. He stood by it, even, bragging about the old ornaments from his great-great-great  _ something,  _ he swears. 

“They’re  _ hand-made, _ ” Louis spoke, letting his eyes wander across the tree. His eyes seemed to glisten as Harry looked on from a distance away, his smile almost impossible to contain as he watched Louis speak to his football friends.

The thing was, Harry fucking admired Louis since the moment he met him.

His loud voice seemed to ring through the magazine office in a beautiful melody and Harry couldn’t help but raise his head up from his messy, misplaced desk. His eyebrows rose as well when he saw Nick who had the same idea.

“Who the hell is in here screaming at 8 am? Somebody's getting fired today.” Nick grimaced before he was standing up, pushing his chair in under the desk a bit too rough. Harry just giggled under his breath before standing up and following behind the taller, older man.

They came upon the waiting room a moment later, Nick stopping to see the rambunctious few sitting in the bright lilac chairs arranged around a coffee table. Harry peeked over the shoulder of the older man to see them as well. He assumed they were footballers by their knee high socks covered in what looked like mud and their footballs in hand. They, however, stopped their noise when they saw the two in their suits and posh wear. The loudest one had a grin still on his lips, though.

“And how can I help you boys?” Nick pulled his sweet, charmer voice on as he graced himself into the room, sitting next to the shorter, smaller one of them. And while the shorter one smirked quick at the tone he used, he finally spoke up with a strong Yorkshire accent.

“Lookin’ for a Harry Styles? Gotta interview or sommat to do.” Nick grinned with a pained expression before he turned to Harry standing still. Nick folded his hands and grimaced again.

“Have fun with your footballer, prick.” And with that, Nick stood and pushed past Harry. Harry on the other hand smirked bright at the mention of his name, almost flabbergasted  _ he _ was the one being asked for.

The footballer just gave a strange look before shifting his gaze to Harry coming up to him. “You’re Harry, ya?”

“In the flesh.” Harry held out his hand, a charming, warm smile on his face. His normal smile.

He returned the smile and quickly wipe his hand off across his shirt only to take Harry’s hand. “M’Louis. Nice to me you, Harry. Heard a great lot about you.” 

Harry looked at him with wider eyes, almost shocked but honored at the same time. Harry knew he was going to take a liking quick to Louis.

And it only took two days before Harry had him in his bed, and two weeks before they became official. Nick didn’t talk to Harry for a month after that.

But Nick was there now, in the kitchen of Louis and Harry’s home, filling his glass triple time with the holiday punch. (“Louis, this is 90% alcohol!” “That’s why it’s so festive, Harry!”)

“So, Styles..” Nick slurred, his chin hooking over the shoulder of Harry’s. Harry wrinkled his nose up at the smell of the strong alcohol not only radiating from the drink but Nick’s breath. “How long do I have to wait to see the big production? I have another party tonight, you know. Me and Alexa need to be somewhere at 12. Need to get this show on the road.” He took another sip of the red drink and Harry rolled his eyes.

“Let me guess, you’re going drinking more? Besides, it’s my party, I go by my own schedule,  _ dick.  _ Hey, stop!” Harry turned to stop Nick from picking over the foods with his dirty fingers. His hand came down to smack Nick’s away only to get a loud whine to come from the older man’s throat. “Haaaaarry. I need something to sop up all the alcohol!”

“Maybe water, Nicholas? For it being your day, you aren’t all that jolly.” Harry only smirked at his joke as he went for a glass in the cupboard. He filled it up and pushed it into his boozed friend’s hands. Nick grumbled about the water splashing on him but began nursing the drink, discarding his other glass in the sink. Harry was also about to comment on that before Liam, Harry’s old school friend, was sneaking in, coming beside Harry, speaking a bit rushed.

“Harry, your family is leaving in 10 minutes.” His face was serious, straight on. His eyebrows were furrowed with concern.

“What?!” Harry sputtered out in a whisper, jumping up to attention with Nick close behind him with wide eyes, his glass still in his hand.

“Yeah, your mum said the snow was getting way too bad, she didn’t want to get stuck out in it.” Liam was almost near biting his nails before Harry was pushing past him, shaking his head. “Absolutely insane. Come on.”

Both Nick and Liam looked to each other before following the hurried Harry.

When the both made it in, Harry was speaking with his mother in the corner of the room.

“Mum… if the roads are too bad, you know you can stay here, you’re always welcome..” Harry spoke lightly, glancing around to make sure Louis wasn’t in sight. Anne gave Harry a soft look before tucking his longer hairs behind his ears. 

“Harry, you know I could never intrude on you and Lou like that. It’s your third Christmas together, you need some alone time.” She smiled sweetly. “Besides, it really is getting worse by the hour outside. Robin says we need to be going now if we want to make it home by New Years.” She chuckled playfully, going for her coat on the chair behind her.

Harry stopped her, taking her hand instead with a small squeeze. “Mum.. 15 minutes, please? I just.. I want to tell everybody thank you for coming?” His eyes grew bigger, begging her to stay. He even pushed out his bottom lip, pouting a bit. Something he’d do as a child that seemed to always work.

Anne sighed, giving a small nod. “Of course, love. Need to be polite. Go on.” She motioned her youngest towards the crowd in his living space and he gave a big smile only to place an even bigger kiss on her cheek. She laughed and watched as Harry came back to Liam and Nick waiting.

“Where is he?” Harry spoke low to the other two boys waiting on him, glancing around quick to see if Louis was around him anywhere.

“He’s sitting and talking with his siblings. What a family man..” Nick mumbled, his face turning to a quick pout. He almost grew emotional before Harry pushed passed him, sloshing even more water onto his jacket. “Heeey!” Nick called out while Liam rolled his eyes and was going for a towel in the kitchen.

Harry, however, went straight for Louis. “Lou, babe..” He spoke up, watching as Louis glanced around to look up from where he sat on the floor next to his twin baby brother and sister. He smiled bright, enjoying the company. “Yeah, love? Have you seen these two? They’re so big since the last time I saw them.. I  mean, it’s been two months, but.. they’re so strong now… We need kids, Harry.” Louis was almost near tearing up as well, the alcohol speaking for him.

Harry shook his head, a warm smile on his face. “They’re adorable, Louis, and I’m sure they’re going to get bigger but we really need to say goodbye.. ” Harry was bending in to help his boyfriend up off the ground, acting as if nothing else was going to happen very soon. Louis followed, still able to walk on his own. They stopped for Louis to get a glass of water as well, Nick and Liam nodding to Harry at quick glance from across the kitchen.

Nick went for the music, turning the radio that was playing off to not only cut the chatter down a bit, but to make it quiet for them to speak up. Harry made his way in first to where everybody else was gathered, his mother smiling proudly with Robin right beside her. His nan and a few of his cousins smiled brightly as he took center stage in his own home. Louis came after him with his glass of water, chugging it down quick before flashing a smile.

Harry felt kind of intimidated by Louis’ family. Not because they were mean, they were the most loving and caring people he had known besides his own family, it’s just there were so many of them. Louis had sisters for days with a little brother to teach football. Unless the girls wanted to play football as well. Maybe Earnest wants to do makeup like Lottie. But that was besides the point. Not only did Louis’ family include his brother and sisters, his mom, and step-dad, but it included his grandma, his grandfather,his nan, like 5 of his cousins and their spouses and two children. Not to mention Zayn, who came alone this year, and some other football friends that Louis insists need to be there for some good fun. They almost needed two turkeys to feed everybody, but Louis always made it work. Louis made everything work even when Harry thought he was gonna lose it.

This was Harry’s turn to make it work.

Harry spoke up clearly with a smile on his lips. “So, as you all know, this is Lou and I’s third Christmas party, and we just want to thank you all for coming and keeping our home warm as usual. It’s always so lovely when everybody comes around to spread cheer and love and happiness. It’s one of our most favorite times of the year.” Harry glanced back to a giddy Louis, his smile so bright right back to the man in front of him. Louis reached out his hand, taking it with a squeeze.

“Louis always does such a wonderful job at these things, I guess it’s the big family.” Everybody chuckles, Louis blushes. “So I thought I’d give back this year. This is the season of giving, huh?” Harry asked, Louis twisting his head a little bit before smiling even more.

“And that saying, you know, third time’s a charm?” Harry spoke as he let go of Louis’s hand, turning to face him now. The tree lit up the silhouettes, showing off the detailed lines of their body’s. Louis perplexed face only grew more as he watched Harry.

“I want to give you something you’ve always wanted, Louis. All you need to do is say yes.” Harry gazed across Louis’s eyes while the older boy nodded to him.

“Yes, yes, of course, Harry, don’t be silly.” He chuckled a little, the blush growing wider across his cheeks as he glanced around, this moment feeling too intimate for everybody. Harry, however, continued and he reached down into his pocket. Louis watched intently and his breath caught as soon as Harry’s hand retrieved what it was blindly searching for.

“Louis…” Harry began, shifting his weight to his leg as it bent, finally making it down onto the floor in front of Louis on one knee. From the corner of his eye, Harry saw his mother and Jay now close by to each other, holding on. They both smiled big, their eyes noticeably wet. Zayn sat on the edge of his seat in the background while Nick and Liam bounced on their heals in the entrance way.

“Will you marry me?” Louis let out the breath he was holding, gasping big as he saw the ring Harry held up in his fingers, the silver and diamonds sparkling in the white lights that shone bright now around them. Louis almost dropped the glass he held only to set it down on the table near him.

“Oh my god..” He spoke up shakily, everybody around them aww’ing with chuckles, Harry included letting out a small laugh. “Will you?” He said, and Louis finally was able to respond with a nod, his hands covering his wide opened mouth.

At the head nod, their families were cheering, laughing and clapping. Anne and Jay hugged each other tight with tears running down their cheeks. The girls all cooed while even Harry had to bite back his emotion for a moment long enough for him to stand up, wrapping his arms around Louis in a big tight hug. He squeezed tight, mumbling soft “I love you’s” into Louis ear while Louis held back onto him tightly. Nick and Liam shared quick hugs and cheers as well.

“I love you so much, Harry, wow..” Louis mumbled, turning his head to press his lips against Harry’s plump ones, both of them smiling into the sweet kiss.

“I love you more.” Harry said, returning the kiss before he slipped his arms back to take a hold of Louis hand. He slipped the ring on before they both turned to the crowd, their families clapping with excited words. Mom’s hugged children and shared tears.

In the background, Zayn sat up where he was, giving a soft smile towards Louis when he could catch his attention for a moment. Louis smiled back slightly, giving a small nod to the dark haired boy. Zayn finally stood and came across the room to where everybody was standing, giving a few congratulations. Louis let his gaze drop from him and went back to his new fiance, smiling bright up to him.

\--

Harry lay in the bed, his head propped up with the few pillows he had, a book about gardening laying across his lap. The clock struck 1:30 at the same time the door to the master bathroom clicked open and Louis was coming out from inside of it, shaking out his wet hair. Harry smiled to himself, watching his older fiance go through the motions before climbing into their bed.

Louis couldn’t help but hiss a little at the colder sheets he fell into and Harry cooed. “Cold?” Louis only nodded before curling himself into Harry’s hip and leg. His hands came to cup at the thigh, his short stubby fingers tracing gently over the fierce tiger.

Harry only chuckled, the sensation causing a small shiver to run through him.

Harry, the gentle lamb, had a tiger tattoo on him. “What a dweeb.” Louis mumbled before pressing a soft kiss against the colored skin. 

He then moved his fingers so he could spell out the word across more of Harry’s skin, tracing each letter and symbol gently.

B R A S I L !

At this point, Harry couldn’t hold back his endless giggles and he was shoving Louis’s hand away down to the bed. “You’re gonna kill me.” Louis only laughed and was turning himself onto his back and then onto his other side, nestling down into the bed below him. Harry followed behind him once the light was off from the bedside table. He got his longer arms around the middle of the smaller man in front of him and was tugging him up close along his chest. His head pressed down into the crook of Louis’s neck and he smiled to himself. His hand spread out with fingers tickling into Louis’s pudgy stomach causing the smaller one to laugh into the pillow.

“Stop that, s’time to sleep.” He mumbled before nudging himself back into the larger man’s embrace, tucking his hands up under his head below the pillow.

“It’s only  _ fair _ .” Harry droned on into Louis’s skin, poking across his skin to push the tip of his index finger into his belly button. He gave a few wiggling motions before Louis shoved Harry’s hand down quick. Harry only laughed.

“Good night, my fiance.” Harry finally spoke sweetly into Louis’s ear, leaving a few soft kisses there. Louis was still for a moment, giving an audible gulp in his throat.

“Night, love.” He simply mumbled. Harry was already half asleep by the time Louis could get anything out.

\--

Sometime in the night, Harry jostled around, moving himself buried down into his side of the bed. He was breathing easy and dreaming of being some sort of pop star in a band with Liam and Zayn, and even Louis was in their band, but they didn’t like Harry’s pants so they wouldn’t let him perform. Nick was there about to tell him to go solo with his pants before he was jerked back into reality, the dim, cool light flooding the room and his eyes. He blinked to adjust them quick and gave a glance out the window, scoffing at the still falling snow. He tossed himself over to his side and was about to speak to his newly declared fiance when he found an empty bed.

“Ugh, how late did I sleep that he’s awake before me.” Harry mumbled, his large hand coming to scrub across his face. He wrinkled his brows together for a moment before climbing his way out of the bed.

Harry walked past the bare space at the end of the bed where Louis’s cherished checkered Vans would rest. He walked past the half opened closet with clotheless hangers and into the somewhat bare bathroom. Harry glanced around himself and almost stopped but his bladder was screaming at him. He relieved himself quick before making it back into the bedroom, his nails scratching across his bare lower stomach.

“Lou?! Where you at?” He was calling out, searching for the pants he had on last night before crawling into bed. When he finally had them and tugged them on, he was going for the bedroom door. Once down the steps to the main floor of the flat, he was searching around for, listening for or even smelling for, any sign of his fiance but not a trace was found.

Harry frowned and went for the kitchen. Maybe he had gone out to the shop? He would have told Harry, unless he expected to be back before he had woken up. A call from his mum, possibly? What if something was wrong? Did Zayn need him? Harry promised to keep himself cool and just shook it off, walking towards the fridge. Grabbing the premade smoothie from the bottom shelf, he was shaking it up in his hands when he saw the time. 8:43

That’s also when he caught a piece of paper out on the counter folded up on its edges, hamburger style, Doing a double take, he pondered for a moment and with his shake, walked towards the paper, swiping it up from it’s place off the counter. Maybe Louis did leave a note.

In the background, the tree still glimmered in the darker house now, the only light coming from the bright outside. The snow, too, was falling faster and heavier.

Harry’s heart felt much the same way as he read across the words on the piece of paper.

‘I’m sorry. This isn’t something I can do. I love you, but it isn’t this kind of love.’

He stopped the bottle, letting it fall down to the counter top. His hand came to smack down against the black marble as he read thoroughly across the words written out in Louis’s hand writing.

Each word stung a bit more every time he read it only before Harry smiled, his head beginning to shake from side to side. He threw the paper down to the marble top before looking around himself again, peeking out into the living room.

“Okay, Louis! You win! This joke is hilarious! You got me good this time! Get your ass out here.” Harry was laughing now, grabbing again for his discarded bottle. He opened up the green ooze and began sipping at it as he waited for his fiance to come busting through the door followed by a laughing, stomach holding Zayn. He expected to hear loud laughs and knee slaps.

However, none of it came. No giggling Louis. No smirking Zayn with his crinkly eyes. No ‘I love you’s’ or ‘Your face!’

And the longer those moments and noises didn’t come, didn’t fill the kitchen, the flat, Harry was denying it more.

He snorted. “He got me real good this time.” With his drink, he marched back up the steps into their bedroom, going straight for the end table. He scooped up his phone and pressed for the call app once it was unlocked. He pressed Louis name and put the phone to his ear. The call ended as soon as it began, and the voice came across talking about voice mail boxes.

He pressed the recall button. “C’mon, Louis.” Calling out a bit frustrated. The same thing again. He sighed, and pressed the recall. And he did it again, and again. He did it until his entire drink was gone and he was running out of patience.

He went and scrolled through the contacts down to Z, pressing on the shades emoji contact. He put the phone up to his ear and waited. Finally, the sound of the ring. It was answered on the fourth one.

“Zayn, where is he? Is he alright? Y’know, this joke isn’t that really fucking funny..” Harry began, not giving any chance to the other lad. “I was seriously gonna pass out but then I remembered both of yours dark sense of humor. So haha, the jokes on me. Can I please have my fiance, now?” Harry ended the sentence sweet with an audible smile on his lips.

Zayn cleared his throat on the other side of the line, finally speaking up. “Harry.. uh. Harry, listen. He really… he really just needs some time. I’ll let you know when he’s ready to talk to you, mate, okay?”

Harry’s blood felt like caramel running through his veins and his head felt heavier than before. The pain in the front of his brain kept him up right, though.

“Don’t.. don’t do this shit with me, Zayn. I wanna talk to him. I’m tired of your fucking jokes.”

“Harry.” Zayn said sternly. Harry’s fists were curling up and his fingernails dug into the palm of his hand for a moment. “He’s not coming back. I’ll call you when he’s ready.”

And the line was dead.

And Harry was on his feet, his phone discarded down in the bed. “Fucking.. what the fuck?!” He screamed to himself, the small vein popping from his forehead. He was in the closet a moment later, grabbing for a sweater to tug on over his head. He was about to slam the door shut when he glanced over, seeing Louis’ side disheveled. Only a few pieces of clothing were left along with a couple pairs of shoes. Harry even tugged open the luggage drawer and Louis’s pieces were all gone. He slammed the slide door shut and was going back to the bed for his phone.

“Bull fucking shit.” He spat to himself, scrolling through his phone and went for the listing of J names, pressing in the one person who would be able to talk to Louis.

“Hello, love, how has your morning been?” Jay chuckled over the phone. She sounded so much like Louis now that Harry thought about it.

“Jay, I need you to call Louis for me, please.” He spoke calmly, not wanting to shout at the woman.

“What, why love? Has something gone wrong?” You could hear the concern and frown in her voice. Harry frowned himself.

“Yes, just..” He sighed, scrubbing up and down over his face. “Just tell him I love him. And that I need to see him and that… whatever I did, I’m sorry. And that I’d really fucking like to at least talk to him.” He got angrier as he went on speaking to her and felt it was his time to hang up. “Thank you, Jay. Love you.” And before she could speak, he was hanging up the phone.

He paused for a moment and took a deep breath to calm himself and his phone was buzzing in his hands. He glanced down to see Jay calling him back and he tossed it to the counter with a loud thud, not wanting to tell her what had happened.

Harry fucking  _ knew  _ he hadn’t done anything wrong. He was the best he could be to Louis, loved him with every centimeter of his soul and his entire life. He can’t even begin to imagine why Louis had done this, what was going through his mind.

And the annoying part, is that he’ll never know until Louis decides to call him back.   


\--

Harry found himself fuming around the house. He was restless, doing little circles around the kitchen then the living room.  He would look at things, pick up things, play with things, Louis had touched, had talked about. Pictures of them all over the room were burning into the back of his eyes as he looked across them. It was almost like he couldn’t believe it. It’s like a horrible fucking nightmare and a horrible practical joke all at once.

He laughed a few times, bitter and cold, as he thought about this. How long had Louis felt like this? Had Louis just been lying to him? Why did he fucking say yes last night?

He didn’t even say the word ‘yes,’ Harry thought. That thought was cut short with the message bleep coming through on his phone. The screen, on bright, lit up the now dark room. The screaming bright screen told him it was 17:30 of him just sitting.

He had a total of 11 missed calls, from his own mum, Jay, Liam, and Nick and 13 new messages. The newest one, from Louis.

He didn’t scramble, didn’t hurry, just opened the messages. He tapped Louis’ box, opening it up.

**so like i know you want me to explain and all. im not going to answer your calls so don’t try. i want to let you know i’m okay and i got the mssg from my mum. i’m with zayn.**

Harry stared deep into the screen, like if he kept looking, the words would form into something else than what it said. The three dots were blinking as Louis was typing. The new bubble popped up.

**its shitty yeah but like. im done. i cant really do it anymore harry. i really dont know how to explain. i just cant keep lying to you anymore. it hurts me a lot as well cause i was so in love with you. you mean so much to me, thats why i cant keep doing it. i never knew about the ring or you asking me. i would have done it sooner had i known. im sorry. please dont come around. ill get the rest of my stuff while youre at work on tuesday. i love you i just cant do it anymore.**

Harry slouched himself against the arm of the couch, his legs lifted up and spread down over the rest of the couch. He stared until the screen would go dark and he’d touch it lightly to bring back the light. He stared until his battery percentage went from 74% to the warning 20% screen. Until his eyes were bloodshot and burning. Until his hand was sore from holding his phone so tightly.

Harry kept watching for those three little dots to pop up again with Louis sending a bit “SIKE!” message. He kept watching, hoping he’d just fucking wake up.

Sometime between his phone dying and dropping it to the floor, where he’s pretty sure the screen cracked, he passed out on the couch, curled up on himself. 

\--

Harry doesn’t remember waking up in the middle of the night and going to the kitchen to grab whatever alcohol they, or he, had but he grabbed a tall bottle and began drinking straight from it, nursing it easily. He caught the time, 3:39. He just shrugged to nobody in particular and kept drinking the sour alcohol from the bottle.

He went back to the couch and glanced down to his cracked phone on the floor in between his feet. Maybe, he thought, if he glared at it enough it would disappear. However, the plastic just laid there no matter what he did. He went back to his old position, the warm liquor doing its work and putting him back into a deep sleep, making him slightly warmer in the cold house.

\--

When Harry woke up again, it was to use the restroom. He peeked into the mirror and sadly looked over his face, his tired eyes even more longer and more purple.

The light poured into the house, lighting it up again. The snow stopped finally and he could see people walking down along the street, going to town to spend their gift cards and show off their gifts.

He and Louis would always go shopping the day after Christmas, get all the really good deals. They’d even have their own little personal Christmas once they got home, opening more gifts and sipping on hot chocolate while watching Elf or some other ridiculous movie.

Harry cuts those thoughts with the plug of the tree. He pulls it from the wall and kicks it under the fake pine. A few presents were left under their tree, two for the girls at Harry’s work. In the back, there was one with Harry’s name on it. He went and grabbed it to bring it up with him as he now stood. Looking over it, the tag didn’t say who it was from.

Louis always forgot to write his own name. Or Santa, at least.

By the feel of the box, it felt like a shirt or clothing item of some kind. Harry was tired. Tossing the gift back under the tree, he went back into the kitchen to find more booze to get him through another night.

\--

Monday morning was when he finally spoke to somebody since Saturday afternoon. He sent a quick text to Nick as he pulled himself from the chilled bed.

**Black coffee and 4 Mcbiscuits. My desk, 8:30.**

He tossed his phone down into the covers and held his head up straight as he walked towards the bathroom. Was going to be a very long day.

It even started out shit with finding favorite shampoo bottle empty. He couldn’t at least be hungover but smell good. He got through his shower and dressed in all black with except for the golden boots he slipped on.

With his keys and bag over his shoulder and coffee in hand, he slowly but surely made it from his flat finally and out into the world.

\--

It’s like everybody at work knew he had the worst possible headache with the medicine he had taken before not working yet. They all were asking him about his Christmas and how his family was and he would literally kill to just get to his desk where he could pretend to be working on something just so he doesn’t speak to anybody until he quits this job.

He catches the glimpse of Nick out the corner of his eye with bags of McDonald’s and cup holders and he himself is dying for more coffee. But, being his polite self, he listens to the rest of Margaret's story and wishes her a good day before he’s zooming straight for his desk.

“Jesus.” He finally lets out, dropping his bag to the floor. Nick glances over and his eyes widen before he’s pushing himself into Harry’s area. “Mate, are you okay?” Nick’s asking quietly, glancing around them for a moment.

“Starving.” Harry mumbled, going straight for the meal before him. He’s unwrapping a sandwich and biting into it eagerly. He doesn’t even mind to wipe his mouth and chin dripping with the grease as he ignores Nick’s question. Nick gives him a stern look and Harry smiles sadly at him.

“You can’t fool me. You look exactly how you did after your first fight with Louis. Come on.” And Harry can’t even protest when he’s being pulled by Nick. He brings an extra sandwich, shoved in his pocket.

Finally in the bathroom, in the last handicap stall, Nick is dumbfounded while Harry continues to munch on his breakfast, the red in his eyes showing even more in the horrible lighting.

“He just.. he didn’t even fucking say anything?” Nick sits along the silver railing while Harry shakes his head.

“A note. He left a note. Said he was sorry.” Harry finally raises his eyes and he’s looking at the older man in the same stall as him.

“What the fuck.” Nick said, looking down at the ground. “Are you okay?”

Harry stops eating for a moment and tilts his head a bit before crumpling up the leftover paper from his sandwich. “Fucking peachy. Think I’ll go knit a sweater and sing some carols for everybody in the office. My fucking  _ fiance  _ left me, Nick, what the hell.” And he’s throwing the paper at Nick’s chest. The anger rushes back into Harry and he’s giving that humorless laugh again. Nick’s eyes are wide.

“The best fucking thing about it is he said he would have  _ done it sooner  _ had he known I was going to propose to him. What the. I just. Who the fuck says that? Who the fuck tells that to somebody?” Harry’s sweating now, working himself up and siking himself out all at the same time. His one fist is curled while his other hand rubs over his dried out face again.

And honestly, Nick has never seen Harry like this. Harry is always sweet, delicate. Even when he’s mad, he’s patient and soft, and never rushing. Harry has really been broken by this and Nick sees it front and center. And the only thing he knows that can make Harry shut up for a moment and breathe is what he does next. He stands himself up and pulls on Harry’s coat. Before the younger boy can say anything, Nicks got his arms wrapped around him. He presses his face deep into Harry’s neck and just squeezes his friend close in against his body.

Harry goes quiet for a moment but he’s quickly hugging him back tightly with his arms secure and tight around Nick’s waist. He’s breathing out slowly but as Nick gives him another squeeze, Harry’s breath becomes shaky. His head ducks down in even more and his body just trembles.

“I..I fucking miss him.” Harry speaks soft, his voice breaking on the last word. Nick doesn’t have to see to know there are tears pouring down over Harry’s cheeks. He can feel him beginning to go to full on shaking in a matter of seconds and Harry’s staining Nick’s jacket up with his messy face. He sniffles and just hugs tighter with all his energy.

“I know, love, I know. He’s a fucking piece of shit.” Nick mumbles and Harry grunts. “What the fuck, Nick, don’t.. don’t say that. Fucking love him, God.” Harry’s pulling away and he’s reaching for the toilet paper behind him, balling it up so he can wipe off his wet eyes. Nick’s standing in front of him, a gentle hold of Harry’s hand.

“I fucking want to talk to him so bad. I want to ask him  _ why. _ ” Harry blows his nose while Nick wrinkles his own, reminding himself to wash his hands before speaking up.

“Babe, sometimes those moments take a while to come around. He clearly doesn’t want to speak to you from what you’ve told me. Maybe he has some thinking to do as well.”

“Why couldn’t he fucking do the thinking with me?!” Harry’s voice rings through the entire bathroom and the guy at the urinal clears this throat before finishing up quickly and leaving. Harry doesn’t give a fuck.

“Why couldn’t he  _ tell me  _ that he didn’t feel it. Why didn’t he just say ‘I feel different?’” Harry wipes at his nose again before tossing the paper into the toilet, letting it flush down the drains.

Nick sighs. “Because, Harry, once people fall out of love they get scared. They know they can’t gain that love back but they stay because, even though he wasn’t in love with you anymore, he loved you and cared about you. He didn’t want to be selfish.”

Harry is tilts his head before shaking it. “Who’s side are you on, Nicolas?” He shoves past his older friend and out of the stall. Nick groans. “Fuck, wait, Harry!” And they’re gone from the bathroom.

\-- 

The whole week kind of goes the same way. Harry stayed with Nick that night and wore some horrible floral suit Nick let him and grew to like it over the day of work. Harry finally went home on Tuesday and like he promised, Louis came and retrieved the rest of his stuff. The only thing in their home now were those daunting pictures and even then, Harry wanted to remove them from the walls. He kept them though; he needed just one thing to hold onto. To keep thinking this was just some horrible trick or just a nightmare you get once in awhile after eating too much Christmas candy.

However, each morning when he woke up, he pinched himself just to make sure it was real life. Sometimes on the arm, on his rose tattoo. Sometimes on the tiger tattoo that Louis loved to trace. Sometimes he would tug on his hair and groan out in frustration. He just needed to know this was real, and even then he didn’t truthfully believe it.

He would go into work tired and angry but would find breakfast from somewhere from his work neighbor Nick. Whether it was from the sweetness in his heart or to try and make up for the stupid comment he made about selfishness, it was working.

However, once he began working he realized he didn’t look forward to turning off his computer and putting his things away at the end of the day. Because all that was left on the other side of the door when he got home was an empty house filled with annoying pictures and an ugly Christmas tree. He would rather stay here with his face buried into an editorial, or a section piece he was working on. Something that made him not think about Louis, something that made him lose track of time and sense of direction so when he’d look up from his computer again, half the people would be gone from their desks for the day and the streetlights would be on outside.

It was just work to get him through the day, and it slowly but surely crept up on him to be more of a problem than just a distraction.

\--

On the night of New Years, he had the TV on but the sound turned off. He was nursing another drink, some cocktail he made, while he just scrolled through his phone. He felt like he needed to torture himself, looking through old pictures, looking through text messages. Every time he found something he didn’t remember, he took a deep breath and took an even bigger drink than the last from his glass. He finally scrolled back to his final text messages exchanged between him and Louis and just kept his eyes glued to those words. They made him shiver, made him want to scream, made him want to climb into bed and never see anybody else ever again.

He should have gone out and got seriously fucked up with Nick and Liam and all the rest of his friends and just forgotten about what he doesn’t have for another few more hours like normal adults do on New Years Eve. Harry thought he deserved this, though. He wanted it so badly to feel like it was real, and not like some game. Some horrible game Louis was playing with him.

He hasn’t spoken to him in almost two weeks and he feels himself slowly going mental. He hasn’t gone 4 hours without texting the man, without sending him a silly joke or something sweet or just a quick love you and now, here is, sitting in their - his, house alone with all the lights off.

Outside, the streetlights don’t come on. Harry flicks the TV off, too, but keeps the screen of his phone on. He watches the clock click over and watches as 2015 ends and 2016 begins.

Somewhere, deep inside Harry, it begins to feel real. Harry feels like another drink.

\--

**_January_ **

“Harry, I need that spread done by  _ tonight. _ ” Alexa says over the top of his desk, peeking in to his world for a moment. She gives a heartfelt smile. Harry just nods.

"Yeah, I’ll get them in by tonight. Email, yeah? I’ll stay in late.” He gives a quick half smile before going back to the typing on his computer. Nick glances over to the both of them and stands up, clearing his throat. Alexa rolls her eyes as she knows this is the beginning of a horrible plan originated by the one and only, Nick Grimshaw.

“Y’know, we should go out tonight. Haven’t been out in what, two weeks, Harry? I miss my wild friend. Besides, you can turn that in tomorrow.” While Harry ignores Nick, Nick reaches down over and presses the escape button on Harry’s computer, closing down the application. As Harry watches the screen go back to his background, he lets out a frustrated groan.

“Nick, what the fuck?” His chair spins around and almost trips the older man but he jumps out the way with a quick squeal. “What?! I’m just offering you to come out with me and the lovely Alexa! We’ve missed you.” Nick frowns and looks to Alexa who, also, has a soft frown on her red lips. “Besides, if you get lonely, you can just snog her. I hear you swing both ways.”

“Shut up!” Alexa smacks Nick across the chest while Harry closes his eyes for a moment and regains his composure so he doesn’t snap at the both of them right there. Nick smirks as he thinks Harry is going to say yes but Harry just turns back around to his computer, opening back up the application he was once using.

“I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to snog anybody. I just want to do my work please. Another time, Nick. Besides, we’re both swamped with stuff.”

“Harry,  _ you are,  _ because you keep asking for more articles! You’ve done 4 in the past two weeks. That’s… probably some sort of record for you, and for this magazine.” Nick huffs and crosses his arms over his chest. Alexa frowns deeper before shaking her head.

“Harry, don’t worry about the spread. I’ll finish it up, okay? Just email me what you have. Just go home, get some rest. Buy a smoothie cleanse or whatever you like to do. Just stop acting like a robot.”

“Harbot 9000.” Nick snorted to himself with a laugh and Alexa rolled her eyes.

Harry rolled his eyes as well. “Thanks, I need you both being my fucking parents though. I’ll have it done by tonight. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to fucking work unlike some people in this place.”

Nick sighed and shook his head. “Somebody is on his man period this week.” Alexa just gave a wild look to Nick before walking with him back to his desk.

“Nick, maybe it’s hard for you to understand, but his  _ fiance  _ left him two weeks ago? I know you can’t keep a guy for more than a night, maybe two if you’re lucky, and people aren’t as heartless as you are, but you can’t see he’s fucking broken?” She’s keep hush about it, glancing back at him. Nick shakes his head.

“He’s such a fucking fake. He’s being all hard and shit because he’s afraid of showing his emotions. I want him to break down, he fucking  _ needs  _ to break down so he can start getting over it. He keeps holding onto the thought that it’s going to be okay and one day he’ll go home and find Louis but he knows that isn’t true. Louis doesn’t want him anymore, he’s fucked off to God knows where probably with some heroin addict. He needs to move past the anger and go into depression. He’s grieving, duh.” Nick gives a knowing look to the woman next to him before he plops down into his seat.

“We’ll try again in two weeks. Oooh, or maybe Valentines day.” Nick smirks while Alexa shakes her head.

“You’re a horrible person, Nicholas!” She spoke out loud so half the people could hear, walking away from his desk.

“I know, don’t you love it!” He called back before clicking on his computer screen. Harry just scoffed and went back to doing his work.

\--

Harry honestly just goes through the motions every day. He leaves his home as early as he can and gets back the latest possible where he can still get a good amount of sleep in. Even sleeping 7 hours, he feels exhausted when he wakes up. He feels like he’s just run a marathon. He barely eats anything and when he is drinking something, it’s from the liquor cabinet. When he tires to light up the house, it feels dark. No matter if the sun is shining in with the kitchen chandelier on, Harry’s felt like he’s built himself a nice nest. Or a nice coffin.

Louis only texted him once, asking if he was in and asking if he could gather his mail. He was at work late that night, telling the man sure, that it was all in a pile on the dining room table. With a simple thanks, Louis stopped texting him, but Harry couldn’t stop looking at the phone. He stared and went cross eyed a few times. He’s also pretty sure he needs glasses with the eye damage this has caused him, but no matter what, he just stares until he’s tearing up.

Harry locks his phone and finishes the sentence he was working on before turning off his computer and gathering his things.

A sour, heavy weight settled in his gut, and his heart, and just left him feeling tired, feeling annoyed, but at the same time, helpless and alone.

He walked out of the door and into the dark, cold night. The snow was turning that ugly grey color from the dirt along the street. Somehow, Harry related to it.

\--

**_February_ **

Harry made his way into the office and almost didn’t notice the hearts hanging around everywhere decorated by Margret, their front desk lady. Harry wouldn’t mind if she just left his stuff alone, but his desk is always decorated in the frilly stuff because the ONE time he said it was cute. He moves the stuffed bear holding the heart with the italicized  _ I love you!  _ written across it to the floor and just plops down into chair, pushing his hair from his face. That’s when Nick comes around the corner and smiles brightly at the man sitting in his desk chair.

“There’s my good old pal, Harry. And you wore an ugly ass shirt! Are you feeling better, darling?” Nick asks as he rests his elbow to the class on the corner of Harry’s desk, looking down over the younger one with an adoring look.

Harry only shrugs. “I didn’t need to jack my coffee with anything this morning, so I say that’s a miny win.” Harry reaches to turn his computer on while Nick claps excitedly.

“That’s wonderful! Maybe one day you’ll learn how to wear fashionable clothes to work!”

Harry’s eyes roll. “How can I care what I look like when nobody is looking at me? I used to dress up for… well, y’know. For him. I wore nice shit for him. Now who am I doing it for now?”

Nick scoffs. “Uhh, me?! And the other gay half of London. Sweetheart, you aren’t all that ugly, y’know.”

“Please. I look like a fucking skeleton.” He glances down into the screen of his dark phone, poking at the dark circles down under his eyes. He’s sighing out while Nick just laughs.

“I keep some foundation in my drawer if you need it, love. Anyways, how are you feeling?”

Harry types in his password and ignores the question as long as he can, finally glancing up to the man. “Numb, mostly.” His monotone voice makes his response sound more morbid and sarcastic.

Nick gives a small frown. “You’re doing good, Harry. At least you’re talking to people. That’s like.. a huge step from two weeks ago. You snapped at the mail lady for no reason.” 

Harry winced and typed in the bar for Amazon. “You’re right.. I need to get her something for an apology. Y’think she’d like flowers or like.. a nice Gucci bag?” Nick only chuckled a little. “You did make her cry. I’d try Prada.”

Harry sighed and was searching along on the website. He picked off the hearts from the corners of his computer and quietly put them into the trash. He reminded himself to give the bear to his mum or something before shoving it away down under his feet. He began his routine, checking his emails then checking the news. He’d ask Nick to grab him a cup of coffee when he went for his second one and then he’d eat some nuts for breakfast along with his bullet coffee.

He didn’t want food but he needed calories to keep him running and alive.

Sometimes he honestly didn’t want the latter either, but his mum would be mad so he kept going.

He’d type out articles and design spreads and text with Alexa about their shared plans and ideas for future things. He’d make small talk with Nick as usual, nothing too over overbearing or over complicated.

He’d get lunch around 1pm and eat in the dining room a floor below them so he could overlook the city. He’d people watch, think about being somewhere else, somewhere not in this world. With being numb, comes a lot of pain that Harry hated. He felt like shit constantly and the only thing that really let it go was sleep. Not even the demands of work could distract him from the pains of this feeling rooted deep inside of him. It was almost the opposite actually.

Harry used to love work, love his friends, love what he did. He wrote articles, he wrote pieces about love, about friendship, about fashion. He dreamed about being a writer since he wrote his first book for his mum at aged 8. She still has it pinned to her corkboard of her office. Said it’s what pushed him to become what he is today. She now saves every single thing he writes on, or publishes.

He used to hate being a homebody, used to love to go to parties, love to go to dinners. Now it’s the only place where he feels comfortable, where he can relax. He’s missed a few days of work just because he couldn’t get himself from his bed early enough to make it on time.

Harry never missed a day of work.

Harry watches on the news, watches how the football teams are going into pre-season practices right now and he just watches sadly and tries to beg for a glimpse of Louis, just to see him in the background, but he always comes out with no luck. He’ll sometimes sleep on the couch because the bed's too big upstairs. He feels like it’s an endless cycle. Some kind of trap he’s in and just doesn’t have enough energy to wrestle himself out of it. He used to be so spontaneous, would make plans easily and quick and not think twice about them and now he’s predictable. Leaves work at the same time, gets home at the same time. Wakes up at the same time, eats at the same time. He feels like a child, or a dog, rather than a fully functional adult. Some days, he doesn’t even feel fully functional.

He’s at work and is about ready to go for lunch when Nick comes around the corner, Alexa behind him. “Happy Valentines Day!” they’re shouting and he’s already wincing from their cheer.

“Thank you guys,” he mumbles, taking their chocolates and cars from them to set them on his desk.

“We’re going out tonight, babe, I think you should come along with us. It’ll be fun. We’ll all three just go for the drinks.” Alexa was smiling bright, red lipstick even more prominent than ever. “It would be good for you, Harry. Don’t think you’ve been anywhere but your house for a month now.”

Harry grimaced and was slowly walking from them while he talked. “Thanks guys, but I’m just going to go in for the night. Maybe next week, yeah?” He knew he’d feel the same next week, maybe even worse. Who knew. However, Alexa and Nick weren’t having it, following after him.

“Harry, pleaaaase! We’ll pay for the drinks. Hell, we can make it a date if you really want to. I’ve never had sister wives before.” Nick was speaking with his smirk, Alexa shoving him after the last comment. “I’d never marry you.”

“Please, it’s like you already are!”

“Guys.” Harry groaned, tilting his head back against the cool metal of the elevator. They stepped in after him, pressing for the second to bottom floor.

“Harold, just one night, love? Just for us? We miss you.” Nick spoke sweetly as he came up beside Harry, Alexa following to the other side. Harry looked to him then to her only to wrinkle his nose. He knows if they go out tonight and get really shit faced, they won’t ask again for another month or so.

“I’ll go out for  _ two  _ hours. I want to be home by one.” Harry said sternly. Nick cheered while Alexa smacked a kiss against Harry’s cheek, leaving a stain of red lipstick behind.

\--

The club Harry found himself in that night wasn’t one for a quaint date he imagined with Nick and Alexa. It was more like for his type, the people who are alone this Valentine’s, just wanting a quick fuck and a text tomorrow morning.

He doesn’t even know exactly what part of the city he’s in, but they bought him a drink and they’re both dancing right in front of him now along with the loud thumping music that’s playing all around them. He feels the beat in the base of his skull and he just sips on his drink some more.

Alexa’s placing a kiss to his ear when she slides up next to him and her arm comes around his shoulders, hugging him close. “You should come dance.” She spoke close up to his ear, brushing her lips along the rim before pecking another one to his skin. He only gave her the shake of his head.

“Not in the mood. Just want to keep my drink.” He reached up to pinch at her side and she jumped away quickly, letting out a laugh. He smiled to her kindly but let his lips drop again once she was turned away.

Nick was coming back from the direction of the bathrooms, smirking bright while holding up his fist. And, Harry hadn’t even known he left their spot next to the bar. Alexa caught his wild smirk and gave one of her own. “You didn’t!” She called out, holding her hand towards Nick. The older man dropped the small bag from his to hers and shrugged. “I have my ways!”

Harry kept sipping on his drink but kept an ear out for anything else they said.

“How many?” Alexa asked, finally popping the bag open. Nick was sipping from his glass.

“Just enough for the three of us. Should be fun. Harold, you should do the honors.” Nick grinned before taking one of the small pills from Alexa’s hand and was holding it out to him. He stopped for a moment and looked between the both of them.

“Is this going to kill me?” He glanced between the both of them again before taking the pill offered. Alexa shook her head. “Nope, it’ll just let you relax for once. You’ll be fine.”

He looked to Nick for guidance and he simply nodded, waiting for Harry to just take the pill already. Harry gave a small shrug and popped the pill, swallowing it down with a large gulp of his drink. Nick and Alexa followed his motions and were pulling on his arms for the dance floor before them. Maybe it would help.

And of course it did, and two hours later, Harry was standing in the bathroom with Nick laughing up a storm. He was leaning towards the gritty wall while Nick took a piss in the stained urinal below them. He tilted his head back to let his hair fall from his shoulders, the sweat dripping down over his neck. The lights inside were almost blinding compared to the night club. Around them, guys were all over each other and all over the drugs.

Harry just felt light, felt good for the first time in the long time. Sure, he felt a bit tight in his clothes even though they hung off of him, and he was worried about what time it was, but he didn’t care because whatever he took didn’t let him care.

“D’you mind?” Nick was asking, pointing to the stalls. Harry just shook his head and went back to eyeing down some brunette sitting up on the ledge of the sinks. He was smirking at all the guys walking past, asking him for some fun. He declined, and would then go back to staring over to Harry. He’d turn and blush and Harry would just laugh a little. He had too much confidence right now.

The boy across the room from him, couldn’t be more than 19 with that long jaw and soft eyes, nodded towards the stalls where Nick had disappeared. Harry, with his eyes lighting up a bit, gave a slight nod and the boy was to his feet. He laughed at the few older gentlemen walking past him before he was walking down the row of stalls. Harry was hot on his trail, following behind him. He looked down over his tight jeans and ripped up black shirt and his mouth instanly began watering.

The stall they shoved open happened to be the one Nick was just about to come out of, his hand rubbing over his nose before he took another deep inhale. Nick stopped however when Harry came up behind the boy in front of him. Nick only smirked. “You can have it, kids. All yours.” And he was about to leave before the kid was shoving him back in. He turned and pulled Harry in as well, flipping the latch over to lock the door, leaving all three of them in the dark stall at the end of the rows.

“Wait..” Harry finally spoke up before the kid continued to the both of them. “Curly goes first, then you, snow job.” And before Harry could blink at Nick, the kid was below him, going for the waistband of Harry’s jeans. His brain scrambled for a moment and he looked to Nick desperately only to find the older man shrugging. 

“You heard the kid. However, I don’t enjoy having Harry’s seconds. And you better fucking swallow both.” And Nick was sitting down on the closed toilet seat, his head tilting back while he went for the cigarettes packed away into his back pocket.

With Harry’s cotton mouth at the moment, he didn’t say anything, only just dropped his hands to the kids hair and laced his fingers through the brown locks. His jeans were down to his thighs and this kid was working his mouth along Harry’s cock, mouthing down low over the shaft and base, wasting no time. He moaned through his teeth, his head coming back to knock against the wall of the stall behind him. “Shit..”

For a moment, Harry imagined the soft eyes and the brown hair belonging to Louis but that stopped not only with the nausea building up in his stomach but with the small mouth wrapping around the head of his cock. His hips bucked forward and pressed down onto the kid’s jaw, making him groan around Harry’s length. However, the kid pulled Harry’s hips forward again into his mouth, sucking him in deep with his cheeks hollowed out.

Harry almost came with the deep groan that was milked out of his mouth but he kept strong, rocking his hips forward to budge against the tightness of brown hair’s throat. Harry wrapped his fingers around the base of his own dick, like he was feeding it to him and moved faster now as the warmth spread through his lower half faster. He also could hear the frustrated groans from Nick beside him not so patiently waiting for his turn.

The gags and messiness of spit dripping down the boy’s below him chin made the feeling work up through Harry’s body to his spine. He felt the trembling all through him and again, hit his head back against the wall, but couldn’t keep it in for very much longer. With a swift warning, he finally grunted the last time and spilled across the boy’s tongue. The kid below him wasted no time with pulling off of Harry and swallowing down the contents of his orgasm. Nick almost jumped to attention and was fishing for his zipper. “Fucking finally.” He groaned out while Harry himself bent down to tug up his own pants, licking across his dry lips.

He’d wait for Nick and think about the pill wearing off, his body easily becoming just a vessel of the mess he had become.

\--

**_March_ **

Harry felt like nothing was going any better, but at the same time, nothing really had gotten worse. Spring was finally settling into the country with the snow ending followed by horrible amounts of endless downpours of cold rain. Harry’s mother visited a few times since the cold wasn’t all that cold anymore, bringing him books, bringing cookies, bringing wine. Gemma even came around with their mum, both of them lighting up the house each a bit.

They were like the flowers brought on by the harsh storms, bringing color and life back into the world. And while it was only for a few hours at the most, Harry felt some type of color, and sweetness poke out as they came around, sometimes bringing Harry’s mum’s cat to play with Eusebius. Harry almost forgot he had a cat.

However, they would have to leave, go back to their own homes and their own jobs. Harry’s mum would always leave with a kiss to his forehead, and wise words of “It will be alright.” And Harry has reason to believe that, seeing as his mother had been through the same thing once before herself. Harry thinks of his mum, and knows she did such a better job than him. She had to take care of two children while going through a divorce while Harry can barely keep himself alive, and he wasn’t even married. And that always brings himself down again, moping alone in the living room. He’ll watch telly reruns and watches the walls and how the sun peeks in for a few moments only to be covered up by the clouds once again.

Harry’s stomach rumbles and he’ll fix something small, or just order a pizza that will last him a week. No need to buy other food when he’s got perfectly good pizza. Thunder sometimes shakes the flat and once in awhile, Harry feels like the world understands him. The clash of the lighting, and the tension in the hair as rain pelts down to the ground. The earth is just as mad with itself as Harry is with it.

\--

On the drunkest night of the year, Harry is pulled out by Nick and Liam to the pub that’s just down the street from Harry and Nick’s office. Nick has a horrible leprechaun shirt on asking for free drinks by the bar while Harry and Liam share a table near the back, Liam laughing as he watches on the tv behind Harry’s head. “I’m not even Irish, why am I here.” Harry mumbled, still eagerly sipping on the first pint he had. The first ones were free, and he’s only needed one so far.

“Liam’s name is Irish, that must count for something.” Nick says as he’s back to the table, two new bowls of chips in front of them. Liam’s nodding while grabbing a few from the basket. “He’s right.” He shoves his faceful of the fries and continues drinking only to be shoved over by Nick so the older man could sit down. 

“I’m glad you did that yourself, now I don’t have to listen to you both.” Harry sighs, rubbing at the condensation gathered on the bottom of his pint glass. Liam rolls his eyes and tosses a chip at Harry’s face which Harry picks up to take a bite out of. Nick shakes his head. “What’s wrong, you glum plum? We got you booze. Free, too. Alexa would be here to show her tits for a few shots but she’s got family business. I know those old men have had enough of my voice for the night, also.” Nick spoke sternly, fry in his hand to accentuate before he was taking a bite out of it.

Liam laughed with his head tilting back a bit. “I’m sure they’re ready to be kicking us out shortly, mate. Nick’s voice does get to you real quick.” Harry only chuckled as he watched on as Nick was not only stealing Liam’s fries but beating him up with slaps to the arm and head. 

Harry finished his pint up around the time both the older men were ready to head out, all Saint Patrick’ed out. He felt comfortably warm with the beer filling him up and had a sweet buzz going on, He walked from the pub, giving a wave to both Liam and Nick as they walked the other direction, heading to their own homes.

Harry was heading home, he really intended on turning in early tonight anyways. It was only 5 after 22:00 and he had some left over cookies his mum had made him earlier this week so he was looking forward to binge eating them in his bedroom. However, his feet led him along the way down past his building. His wild feet led him down into the city, around shops and through parks to a corner building. He didn’t even really know where he was until he was inside this building on the 5th floor, door B510.

He doesn’t remember waiting there for a solid five minutes before he brought his heavy hand up to knock on the dark red door. He doesn’t remember swallowing his pride either.

He does remember the the door opening and the light pouring out of the room on him, the smell of chemicals and weed and shortbread biscuits filling up his nose before the brown man in front of him stopped to look him dead in the eyes.

Zayn didn’t even say anything, just stood there for a moment. In the background, with Harry’s eyes drifting to behind Zayn’s head, he could see brown hair and a black and red sweating sitting at a table. They stood there quietly for a moment until another voice piped up.

“Who is it, babe?” The beer sloshing around in Harry’s stomach settled and he felt heavy, glued to the ground. His mouth was gaped a bit and Zayn’s eyes widened a little at the voice of Louis ringing them both alert. “Zayn, babe?” Louis was asking, the sound of a chair being pushed over hardwood. Harry heard shuffling but it was the last thing he heard coming from inside the flat before he was walking away, rushing back down the hallway he had came from. He went straight for the steps, not bothering to wait for the damned elevator.

He ran down the steps, sweat gathering up at the back of his neck once he was to the bottom, his breath heavy and the sound of blood rushing in his ears loud. His stomach churned. 

He found himself outside, glad nobody was following behind him or around anywhere on the street in front of the building because as soon as he was out, he had been bent over the bin, throwing up into the nasty trash of the city. He waited for a moment, his hands braced on the sides of either side of the can. His mouth tasted vile and his nose burned.

He almost felt alive for once since December. He felt pain in his stomach and an ache spreading across the front of his head made him feel something. Pain. Feeling pain was better than feeling nothing at all, he supposed.

He pushed himself from leaning over the bin so he could stand finally on his two feet. He spat twice into the same can before he was walking now, jacket pulled up around his face and hands shoved into his pockets.

He took down the pictures in the living room that night, leaving them face down on the coffee table.

\--

**_April_ **

Harry made it into the office 20 minutes early, coffee in hand. He still feels weird, it being the third day of April and still no pranks have been played. Before, endless pranks occurred from the night of March 31st to about the fifth of April by yours truly, Dick 1 and Dick 2, formerly known a Louis and Zayn. (Nick named them properly after Harry called him the next morning, telling him about his little exploration back in March.)

He passed the desk he always did, waving a good morning to Margaret sitting their quietly sipping her coffee. She smiled back brightly and waved in return. “Morning!” she called out while Harry stepped into the deeper part of the office. He swayed past the people already in their chairs swiveling back and forth between desks to make it to his own. When he pulled the chair, he glanced down to see on his seat and obvious fake pile of dog shit. With his eyes rolling, he flicked it off down to the ground and set down his things. Nick quickly came around the corner only to frown.

“You didn’t freak out.” He spoke, pushing past Harry to pick up his plastic feces. Harry stumbled a few steps but gripped on the edge of his desk to keep him upright. Harry only rolled his eyes. “It’s fake. I’ve been through three years of this shit. Also, it’s April 3rd. A bit late.” He threw his bag open, pulling out his laptop to bring it up in front of his desktop computer. He kicked his bag under the table only to look back up at the frowning Nick. “Anything else, master of jokes?”

Nick rolled his eyes. “No. Why do you need two today?” Nick’s elbow rested down along the divider of Harry’s desk, watching him.

“It’s easier to transfer larger files just by doing this. Besides, I’m gonna need to be working out of the office soon. Just gonna keep it here.” Nick’s eyes perked up at the second part of Harry’s monologue.

“Out of the office? What exactly are you going to be doing?” Nick moved back into Harry’s space, coming around behind him to bend down in, glancing across the screen of Harry’s laptop.

“They wanted me to work with the new photographer they hired. They say he’s new but really fucking good, and since I minored in photography, I was assigned to the project.” Harry shrugged, not paying attention to the man behind him. Nick grinned big, his hands come to hold onto Harry’s shoulders to shake him up a bit.

“Harry, that’s fucking brilliant! What if he’s hot? Think you could score him?” Nick was now pinching at Harry’s arms which made the younger man groan, shrugging Nick off.

“Stop. I don’t even know the man. And what’s the chance of him being gay or bi?” Harry furrowed his brow up to him. Nick sighed. “He’s a male photographer working for a mostly gay magazine in London. Is it really that hard, Harry?”

Harry was baffled, really. “You know how unbelievably sterotypi-” Harry begain, Nick quickly shutting him up with a laugh. “I feel like my little Harry is slowly but surely coming back. If he isn’t sucking your dick by next week, I’ll set it up.”

And with that, Nick was out of Harry’s space walking back to the kitchenette of the office. Harry watched on at him for a moment before huffing out a heavy breath with a quick shake of his head.

\--

It was mid afternoon and Harry was sipping from his McDonald’s cup, courtesy of Nick Grimshaw. He shook the ice around a bit in the bottom to shove his straw deeper down in, sucking up the rest of his watery Coke. He could hear Nick doing the same thing across the ways with his lemonade so he decided to throw the cup down into the trash below his desk, hoping Nick would follow and stop making that horrible noise it makes when the straw pushes in and out of the cup hole. 

Harry  _ shudders _ .

However, the noise of the drink stops when both of the men hear the loud laughter coming from the common area out front where Margret’s desk is. They both turn to each other, and with their raised eyebrows and nosy tendencies, they’re both standing and walking together, side by side, out to see where the second voice was coming from, precisely who.

A small wave of Deja Vu washed across Harry but he shook his head from that distant memory as he was coming upon the bright waiting area. Nick was as step ahead of him as always and left Harry behind him.  With a grin, Nick found who the heavenly laugh was coming from.

“Nicholas Grimshaw, nice to meet you.” He held out his hand to the man leaning up against the desk, his slim legs holding up him while his top half rested gently along the wooden desk. Margaret blinked only to give both the men a smile and she was sitting down politely.

The man gave a bright, unforgettable smile and held his hand to shake Nick’s. “Nice to meet you as well. I’m-” and before the man could stop, Nick was speaking up again.

“You’ve got a great smile, you know? And a great sense of style.” Nick smirked while leaning against the desk beside him.

The blond man blushed, and it was spreading quickly, going to color his cheeks and neck before speaking. “Uh, thank-thank you. I would love to chat with you some other time, mate, really, but I’m already kinda late with a man named Harry.. Styles, Harry Styles. You don’t happen to know him?”

Harry’s head jolted up when he heard his name over the man’s lips and he was pushing himself off from the wall, a small smile creeping onto his lips. Suddenly, Nick was turned with his back to the blond while he gave the eye to Harry. He mouthed a ‘fuck you’ when he saw Harry’s smile appear before clearing his throat. “Yeah.. Harry’s… right here.” And he pushed against his shoulder before he grumpily made his way back towards his desk.

Harry couldn’t have choked on his spit at a better time. He coughed out with his mouth into his arm. “Sorry.. I just..” He finally stopped, getting able to get a longer glance at the man in front of him. The sunlight that poured now into the glass windows of the area made it seem like a halo formed over the golden locks. He smiled, shaking his head. “It’s alright. I’m Niall. Niall Horan. I’m the photographer.”

Harry had to take a slow inhale to make sure he didn’t choke anymore. And he could just shit, honestly. Niall kept a bright smile on his face. His eyes, clear of anything but curiosity of the new place, looked like Harry could get lost swimming in them. Harry could almost smell the salt of the beach before he had to cut out the schoolgirl daze.

“Right!” He spoke, only smiling in return to the bright grin on Niall’s lips. “Right, of course. I’m sorry I’m so out of it. You caught me on my lunch break. I’ve been so unprofessional.” Harry was reaching up to push his hair from his face back to the top of his head.

Niall had reached down to the ground to lift his bag, loaded with camera and equipment, Harry was sure, while shaking his head. “Not at all, man. If anybody had come to interrupt me during my lunch break I’d have their arm. I take meal time seriously.” Niall said almost too seriously and it had Harry bubbling up with honest laughter, his eyes crinkling a little.

“I’ll remember that for the future.” Harry said mid laugh, which made Niall’s smile grow even more wide, if that was humanly possible. 

“Come on, I’ll show you to the room.” Harry said as he motioned Niall to walk with him, Niall following behind happily, bag in hand and smile plastered to his face.

Nick eyed the suspiciously from his desk as they made their way past. Only after they were out of sight did he text Alexa to get her ass over to him ASAP.

\--

Harry was in charge of Niall, and had to keep an eye on him, so he stayed to watch him and the helper that was brought in to set up the shoot they were planning to get done in the next week. Niall was working on wiring everything up, making sure the lights were working while Harry watched on, his eyes never faltering from Niall’s figure. It was if everybody was like that, though; whenever someone new walked in, they all smiled at Niall, asked him if he needed anything and went about their business.

Maybe it was just Niall. He was a people person, sweet, charming. That’s what had Harry so worked up. Nothing was different. Not even the way Niall smiled when he caught Harry out of the corner of his eye. He was just being nice. This might be Niall’s big break, being in such a widely read magazine.

Maybe it was Harry, and his his desperateness reeking off of him. Niall was just being nice, a friend. He was the best photographer fresh out of school and Harry gave him a job, a solid one.

Yeah, just a friend, Harry thought. He went for his fingernail, chewing on the already stubby piece sticking from his thumb. His head ducked down in while his brow furrowed a bit. He looked concentrated but all he was really doing was making himself not cry.

He’d been doing that a lot, just crying. He’d hide away in the bathroom for an hour, he’d stay late on lunch, he’d sit in the park alone behind a tree, just crying. It wasn’t heavy or sobbing that would leave him wrecked and exhausted. That happened usually every 8th of the month, the day he used to celebrate so happily was now a day spent in bed and curled up under the heavy covers.

But he would cry. He told himself it help him calm down, it helped him feel something and it’s better than feeling pain, or the feeling of throwing up in a bin outside of your ex’s new apartment. Harry just wanted to feel again.

Niall was walking towards him, a soft laugh coming from his lips from something the worker had said. He stopped at Harry’s feet before playfully kicking on the bottom of his boot. “We’re all done for right now, mate.” Niall tilted his head a bit before Harry raised his own and gave a smile to the man standing over him.

“Right, right. Well..” Harry pushed himself up from off the floor with his palm, rubbing both of his hands up and down over his face. “Sorry, all the advising made me tired.”

Niall laughed, his arms coming up so they could cross across his bouncing chest. “You, tired? All your arse did was sit on the floor while you watched me do all the work.” Harry listened, and Niall’s tone had nothing but friendly banter behind it, which made Harry chuckle a little.

“I know, watching you carry it all made me tired. Think I need a nap.” Harry smirked playfully, a first for such a long time, and he was making his way out of the room, making sure not to trip over anything on his way. He could hear Niall scrambling, almost as if he was trying to catch up with Harry.

“Right, right, wouldn’t wanna take away from your beauty sleep. Better get going, it’s almost near dark out.” Niall nodded out towards the windows, and he was right. The sun was just about to set over the skyline and Harry hadn’t even noticed he was just watching Niall all that time. The shorter man moved past Harry and with a cheeky smile, he was heading towards the door.

“Don’t need any help, now, huh? Know your way around?” Harry asked, stopping at his desk for his light jacket. Niall shook his head. 

“Nah, you’re pretty good at giving directions. Got it all figured out. See ya tomorrow, Harry? Can get more down into the grit.” Niall gave him a wink along with the cheeky curve of his lips.

And Harry had to do a double take, to make sure he saw the wink of Niall’s one eye. He was a about to say something, about what, he wasn’t sure, but Niall had already disappeared into the elevator. And with a ding, he was already 7 flights down to the ground floor.

Harry glanced back to his desk and went to grab for his keys. He laughed, like he couldn’t believe it. He flicked the light off at his desk too before he made his way towards the elevator doors.

\--

After his quiet dinner with Liam at the pub down the street, he made it in through his doors just after 22:00. His head was a little woozy and his step wasn’t all that great either, but nothing could stop him now. He walked past the couch, which usually was in his normal routine, and headed straight up the steps (not without a little stumbling). He face planted into his bed there and just gathered up all the blankets under him so he could press his face into the cool fabric.

He took a deep breath, and to his surprise, his eyes were dry. He blinked a few times, glancing down at himself. He even brought his fingers up to touch gently at his under eye. With this brand new information about himself, he pushed himself roughly from the bed and went straight for the bathroom. Flicking on the white light, he looked into the mirror.

He looked like himself, his eyes still droopy. His skin, though, had the slight touch of color to it. The touch to his skin felt almost a bit warm, and he was a bit surprised, dropping his hand to the skin. His eyes kept pouring into his own reflection, almost like he didn’t see what was there. 

With a soft sigh, he was moving out of the bathroom and stripping down to nothing in the matter of seconds. He flung himself down into his bed and rolled himself back up into the blankets that lay there. He doesn’t remember falling asleep or any of his dreams. He remembers not sitting in the living room and thinking too much, though. 

He felt a bit warmer that night in between the sheets, the lights from down below casting a thin gaze up into the windows of his room.

\--

**_May_ **

“April showers bring May flowers, my ass! It hasn’t stopped raining since the day I got here.” Niall grumbled. He picked at the vegan wrap he had ordered; they said it would taste just like turkey but it tasted what he imagined cat food would taste like. He shoved the piece of lettuce past his lips before glancing up back across the table to Harry. He was munching happily on his own wrap, he wasn’t even vegan.

“You’re not even vegan.” Niall mumbled, throwing another piece of lettuce towards the man across from him. He flinched slightly as the piece landed too close to his chips. Harry’s hand came down to flick the piece of green away.

“I think it’s you.. like. You brought the rain from Ireland.” Harry spoke around the food around his mouth before he was dodging more and more pieces of Niall’s discarded wrap.

Harry groaned before flipping his napkin over his meal, glaring at the blond across the table from him. “I simply can’t be friends with a man who plays with his food.”

“Good thing we’re just co-workers.” Niall smirked at him with his head coming down to rest on his hand he had waiting. Harry huffed out a breath only to roll his eyes.

“That’s why you keep begging to come to my house.” Niall let his jaw drop.

“It’s completely professional! I want to see the view!” Harry was gathering up his trash, a wide grin spread across his face. As he found himself getting up from his seat, he turned before stopping in front of Niall’s view. He then proceeded to give his hips a quick shake.

“That’s all the view you need.” He said before smirking to himself and making his way towards the trash. All he heard was a loud bark of laughter after that, and half of the place glancing to see who it came from. 

\--

Harry’s liked Niall more and more he’s been around. He’s not a stranger anymore, and Harry likes it a lot. Nick and Alexa like him as well. He’s cheery, he’s sweet, he goes on coffee runs when he’s not doing anything and doesn’t complain about it like Nick.

They decide to keep him.

And Harry can’t help but notice now Niall seems to light up the room, the whole building. Maybe Niall hung the sun himself, with it shooting out of his ass. Either way, Harry likes when Niall is around. The world, it feels less cold, less drowsy.

Harry’s day doesn’t drone on and on when Niall is around. Between the numbness rooted in Harry’s soul and the dreading for something new to bud into his life.

Niall never got tired of sitting for hours on end talking to them, never once got offended by Nick’s starkey remarks or grossed out when Alexa talked about who she snogged last night. He listened and he laughed and he took pictures of everybody and they asked HR to get him a desk on their floor because they honestly would die without him.

London could keep raining, could drown them all until nobody was alive, as long as Niall was there to see them through to it.

\--

Harry made it in with his take out bags in hand. He was relaxed as best as he could be, and slightly excited, almost, because Niall was supposed to come over the next day and well, maybe he should clean. 

It could wait, though, because he was starving with his stomach screaming to shove a pound of rice inside of it. So he got himself situated at the island in the kitchen, face plastered in the white cartons. He was scrolling through his phone, reading emails and texts he had ignored throughout the day. He even checked his Neko Atsume app to see if any new cats had appeared.

“Fucking Tubbs.” Harry mumbled as he shoved another spoonful of noodles past his lips, his stomach full but not enough. He set his phone down to refill his glass of water when it bling’d again with a new message. 

While chugging his water, he made it back to the countertop to pick it up. He didn’t even check to see who it was, just unlocked it.

However, when he saw the name come up with the emoji red crossed out circles, the water going down his throat missed the pipe it was made for and he was choking for a moment, bent over his kitchen counter.

His eyes watered, and he didn’t know if that was because he was dying from the choking or because who it was. 

He curses himself for never looking as he is able to regain himself, water spilled down over the floor and dark counter tops. Eusebius is at his feet licking up the liquid.

**hope youre doing well. maybe we should talk some time. i think i might be ready.**

From Louis. He then curses himself for opening it so quick like he was fucking desperate for it.

Who is he kidding, he is desperate. He hasn’t stopped thinking about him since the moment he was gone. The pain in his memory is what keeps him feeling like a human being long enough for him to stay awake.

Harry swallows down the lump in his throat before clearing it. He goes back to sit down at his food, staring at it.

**Yeah, sometime this week sound good?**

He sends it before he thinks too long about it. His heart beats faster and he shoves the food cartons away, feeling as if the food already digested is about to come back up over it.

He counts the seconds it takes for his phone to buzz and the screen to light up, one minute and thirteen seconds.

**yeah can meet up downtown at that chinese place we always got**

The ‘we’ hits him like a bullet straight into the gut and he’s getting dizzy the longer he looks down at the screen. His breath becomes shaky.

**Tomorrow sound good?**

He’s sweating, now, his eyes crossing before he closes them tight with a squeeze. His thumb and index finger rub over them. 43 seconds.

**see you there .**

And that’s it. He feels like he’s ran a marathon only to end up last. He feels so beat up and bruised and damaged. The pain settles back into him almost, he feels the ache in his back from hunching over and the burn in his feet. The water wells up in the back of his eyes but he takes in a deep sniffle and holds it back.

He tosses the rest of the food away, knowing the cat will get into it, but he doesn’t care. He slouches as he walks back into the living room, throwing himself down into the couch with his face pressed up into the back. He rests there for a moment before on his lower abdomen, he feels something poking out from in between the cushions.

Reaching down, he pulls out a little pill bottle. He shakes it and hears the rattling.

He takes a few, swallowing them dry. His eyes had hurt too much to even read what they were, just hoping they helped.

After a few minutes, he was sluggish but he still felt the twinge of discomfort in the back of his head. His hand moved up to reach for the pictures laying on the coffee table. They’ve been there since he took them down finally.

He glanced across the first one he could find, the one of Louis and him lounging in the sand of Spain. They had gone there for vacation after Louis’s winning season with the team. It was to celebrate and to get a nice tan, of course. However, as he gazes across Louis’s face, he can’t help but wonder if he had already felt how he did not so long ago. Trapped, confused,  _ in love with another man.  _

Harry shoves the picture down, watching and hearing it fall to the ground, the glass cracking a bit. He digs his face down into the couch again, rubbing up against it easily for a few moments like a cat on a friendly leg.

He really doesn’t remember why the picture is broken in the morning.

\--

He’s hunched down over himself in the bathroom stall, Nick rubbing lines up and down his back easily. He would stop to press his fingers at the top of his spine and massage there for a moment before letting his hand fall back down.

“What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say?” Harry spoke before he was pressing his warm, clammy skin against the metal wall. He let it stick there while he sighed slowly.

“Be honest with him. You just need to gather your thoughts and tell him how you feel.” Nick said, something that made Harry think. 

“Gather my thoughts on what? I’m fucking sick.” Harry spits down into the toilet and he’s rubbing both of his hands up down along his face as he stands back up on his own. Nick gives a slight nod with a small shrug, crossing his arms as his back pressing up against the wall now. 

“I’m a fucking mess. The moment I found the text message I almost choked to death. I should have just stopped breathing.” Harry mumbled, wincing a bit when Nick’s hand came to smack up against the back of the head.

“And leave me here to fend for myself? Selfish prick.” He huffed. Harry squeezed his eyes shut before smacking against Nick’s stomach in reply to his comment.

“I ran out of those one pills. Do you have anymore?” Harry mumbled, shoving his hands down into his pockets. Searching for some cash, anything to give to Nick.

  
“What color?” Nick asked, reaching up into the pocket inside of his jacket. He removed the little baggie filled with all types of different kinds of drugs. 

“Blue.. Jesus, you carry that around fucking work?” Harry spat, his eyes wide down as Nick’s fingers worked out the three little blue ones he had. He only shrugged before handing them over to Harry’s hand. “Sometimes.”

And with that, the bag was shoved securely back into his suit pocket and they were both walking out of the bathroom stall.

\--

Harry’s palms sweated in between the drinks he had from the bar. He almost made it to his third drink by the time the door opened to reveal a skinnier, smaller Louis. Harry wasn’t sure if he believed that was possible. Under the lowlights, he looked a bit pale and his cheeks were a bit hollowed in but it was absolutely the man he fell in love with.

He was quick off his seat, making it through to the door. “Lou.” He spoke up after clearing his throat. The smaller man’s head whipped around quick at the soft name before he gave a faint smile. “Hey.” He spoke quietly.

“I got us a table.. by the window.” Harry spoke, nodding his head across the room and with Louis nodding, they were both walking towards it. Once there, they found their seats across from each other. Louis picked up the menu to graze over it, his eyes darting and mouth still.

Harry looked down at the table, not wanting to feel like he was staring. He would use to do that, stare until his eyes would dry out.

Now his eyes well up when he looks for longer than a few moments.

“So, how have you been?” Louis finally speaks up from behind the cover of his menu, hiding himself almost.

“Alright.” Harry lied, picking at the lint on the arm of his shirt.

“Hmm.” Louis hummed to himself before placing the menu down on the table in front of him. “What are you getting?” He asked, shrugging his hoodie off from his shoulders.

Harry shakes his head. “Not hungry. Just would like a pint.” Louis rose his eyebrow in a question but he didn’t push it. He ordered for the both of him when their waiter came and they were left alone again, Louis glancing down across Harry’s coat.

“Why..” Harry whispered, not sure if he even heard himself say it. Louis sighed out slowly, only mumbling a soft, pained word. “Harry..”

“No.” Harry spoke quick, and harsh. “You don’t get to fucking ‘Harry’ me.” He glanced quickly around them and promised to keep himself quiet. He felt the anger bubble up from his toes all the way up to his brain. His hands were curling into fists and his heart was beating faster in his chest.

“How can you come in here and be mad with me?” Harry rushed his words out before Louis would begin speaking. “I was in love with you, I still am. Jesus Christ, Louis.”

Louis nodded through all of it. He was always good at listening. He was so sincere when he did it, too, listening to every word and hanging on it. This isn’t something Harry would imagine him listening to.

“Harry, I’m sorry, you’re right.” Louis sighed, his hand coming to push his hair from his pale face. “I have no right to come here and…. patronize you. It was me who left.” The words stings more than Harry would have thought.

“You did… you still haven’t told me why.” Harry’s fingers interlace in front of him, his head tilting a bit as he looks across at the man in front of him.

“Because I don’t fucking know why.” Louis said, his fist coming down against the table. Not loud or shocking but enough to make a statement. “I just.. I wasn’t in love anymore. I didn’t have my heart in it.”

“Or you were fucking Zayn.” Harry put it and Louis eyes widened a bit has he kept them on Harry.

“No, Harry it wasn’t-” Harry cut him off. “Don’t lie to me. You wanted him. You always had.”

“I never had sex with him. I never cheated on you.”

Harry pushed his chair out from under the table and stood up. He didn’t want to hear this.

“It’s almost like you did.”

And he was turning, passing the waiter with the food and pint. Louis could spare him 3 quid, at least. 

\--

He felt like he was back where he started, the tears staining over his cheeks. A few dripped down over his chin down to stain on the hardwood floors. His head then dropped down in between his spread legs, his hands coming to clasp behind his head. The breath shook through his entire body as he tried to calm himself.

As if God knew the situation, the rain was pelting down in the sunset outside. It sent a shiver down his spine.

He got up, though, going for the kitchen to fetch another drink. As he made it through the hallway entrance, like clockwork, a knock came from outside the door. He wasn’t expecting anybody.

He came through to the door and didn’t even check in the peephole, just opened it up.

Actually, he was expecting somebody he had sadly forgotten about.

“Niall!” He said, reaching up to wipe his cheeks dry. He put on a large fake smile as he saw the shorter man waiting for him. Niall, as always, returned the bright smile.

“Hey, mate! Sorry, I’m a bit early. Can wait out here for the extra ten minutes.” Niall pointed towards the floor and Harry let out a soft laugh only to take a step back for Niall. He came in with shutting the door behind him politely.

“Of course not, come on and make yourself at home. I was just.. going to go pick out some drinks for us. What are you feeling like?” Harry asked, motioning for Niall to follow him to the kitchen.

When both inside the chrome walls, Harry was pouring them both some red wine in tall glasses. Niall was impressed, to say the least. However, he couldn’t help but glance to Harry’s red eyes as he poured, or when he was reading over something on the counter top. Niall kept his mout shut, though.

“So, you’re here for the view, yeah? Go ahead while it’s still daylight out enough. I’m sorry it couldn’t have been earlier.” Niall quickly swallowed down his gulp of wine.

“Nonsense, it’s fine! I love the sunset anyways. This way, yeah?” Niall was pointing towards the dinning room, and Harry nodded. The blond only grinned as he made his way through, camera bag on his hip.

Harry couldn’t help but smile. This time, for real.

\--

“I thought of putting up drapes, but shit.. who could block out this view? And the light is great when the sky decides to cooperate with us.” Harry speaks, a bit slurred with his third glass of wine. Niall’s face is flushed from both laughing so hard and his wine. And right now is no different, cracking up at Harry’s endless comments.

“Man, totally! This space is beautiful Harry. One lucky man.” If only Niall knew how wrong he was, Harry thought. Harry stumbled over the rug in between the hallway and dining room, catching himself with the paneling on the entrance way.

“Fuck.” Harry mumbled. “I’m drunk.” Niall only laughed high pitched, turning his head to glance down to the road below them.

“I’m gonna go sit.” Harry spoke, pointing towards the part of the living room they could see. Niall nodded. “Be over in a min.”

Harry found himself to the couch after a few more attempts to walk, his glass coming and clinking with the glass end table. His hand came to run across his sweating forehead while he slouched down into the comfortable end of the couch; the one he never sat on. He was breathing slow and steady as he heard Niall come along into the room as well.

“Love it here.” Niall spoke. He then came to fill the spot next to Harry, chuckling a bit. “Sorry, that sounds really creepy. Just love your home a lot, Harry.” Niall spoke softly, glancing up all around himself. He was smiling big when Harry finally opened his eyes to him. Harry returned his hazy smile.

“You’re drunk.” Harry mumbled, only to make both of them laugh after it.

“Am not. You’re the one who can’t fucking walk.” Niall was pushing at Harry’s thigh before bending in to set his glass down on the coffee table.

“What’re these?” Niall asked and before Harry could get himself worked up in a sitting position and get the words out of his mouth, Niall was picking up the frames from the coffee table.

“Don’t!” Harry finally got out and Niall had already seen one of the pictures, the ski trip from their first three month anniversary. They looked like babies then. Niall quickly turned back to the man with wide eyes and a furrowed brow. He swallowed thickly when he saw the wince on Harry’s face.

“Fuck..I’m. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to like..” But Harry was shaking his head, finally pushing himself to sit up. Niall still hadn’t put the photo down, like it was glued to his hand.

“It’s okay.” Harry mumbled, turning his head to look at Niall’s still wide eyes. He looked so innocent, so upset. He truthfully didn’t mean to intrude into Harry’s privacy and Harry knew that, so it didn’t bother him. Niall was just a curious man, always looking for new things to explore.

Harry found something to explore himself as his eyes glanced down over Niall’s face to settle on his sharp jaw covered in dark, short hairs there. He knew Niall was only looking at him for an explanation. “I’m still sorry.” Niall spoke quietly, setting the photo back down gently on the table, face up.

“Really.” Harry said, repeating himself. “It’s okay.” He was drawn closer to Niall. And he didn’t know if it was the alcohol mixing up in his head, or the desperate pain he was feeling deep inside his gut, but he got close enough to Niall.

The blond took it upon himself to close the gap and their lips were touching together easily. It turned a bit messy in the matter of seconds, though, with their lips tasting like the wine they just had. Harry tasted more, though. The sunshine, the sweetness, the care, the elegance. He had it filling up his body in one swipe of his tongue along Niall’s lip and he pushed forward, Niall’s tongue coming to brush up along Harry’s before they connected in between their mouths.

Harry’s hand was cupping on Niall’s plump, red cheek. His cold finger tips soothed the burning skin but only made Niall move into it, slotting himself right next to Harry with their thighs touching. Niall’s fingers touched along Harry’s arm that extended to his own face, his other hand coming to bare down easily on Harry’s thigh. He squeezed a little bit around the jeaned skin and Harry was pulling away, his lips wet and shiny. His mouth was agape as he looked over towards the blond. Niall gave Harry the same look, his eyes wide and more blue than ever under the soft lights.

Harry could melt under them. They turn his blood into lava. He wishes they could look at him forever.

“Thank you..” Niall mumbled and Harry laughed, because why was he saying thank you for a damn kiss?

“No.. I mean..” Niall stuttered, his red face shaking and growing brighter by the second. “Thank you for like.. letting me over, yeah?” Niall finally got out and he kept a dark gaze on Harry. 

Harry nodded but never broke their locked eyes. “Of course. You’re.. welcome anytime you like.” 

Niall grinned bright. 

Harry fell asleep imagining the weight of those smiling lips on his own.

\--

**_June_ **

It becomes a thing that Niall and Harry don’t talk about unless it’s between them.

A friends with kissing benefits, Niall calls it. Harry laughs, wholeheartedly.

They steal them sometimes at work, when they pass in the bathroom or in an empty hallway. Harry sometimes goes downstairs when Niall arrives in at 11 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, just so he can ride the elevator up with him, sneaking a snog in on the ride.

Nick suspects it all, but Harry plays it off as if he’s crazy. Yeah, Niall is sweet and extremely adorable, but he isn’t Harry’s taste. (He really is.)

It’s just, Harry feels so much more alive when he see’s those blue eyes and feels those nice lips on his own, or on his cheek, or on the palm of his hand. Niall likes to kiss there for some reason.

“It’s a personal, place, yeah?” Niall mumbled, placing a sweet little kiss to Harry’s palm. Harry only nodded, not able to speak audible words as he watched this beautiful man kiss on his sweaty palm.

“It makes it personal.”

And yeah, okay, maybe Harry did like him a lot. He liked the sound of Niall’s shoes against the floors of the office, and he likes the way he pronounces McDonald’s while everybody else corrects him every time. He likes how Niall likes his coffee, with three sugars; sweet, like him.

It makes Harry feel like the world and his own body isn’t crumbling down around him for once. Those three days Niall comes into work are the ones when Harry gets the best sleep, when he eats more than one meal a day, when he actually makes it to his own bed before passing out.

Niall is like his own personal drug that actually helps.

He still hides everything from Niall, though, and he honestly shouldn’t. He’s lying to the one person who would take it so well and understand him the most, yet he couldn’t but that burden on those eyes, on those shoulders. Harry is an adult, also. He doesn’t need to let somebody else carry the weight for him.

He’ll figure something out, and he’ll tell him at the right time. Of course he will. He wants to keep Niall by his side as long as he can.

\--

It was a warm Friday night, the windows they could open in the dining room popped open to let the summer breeze through the apartment. Harry had invited Niall to stay over the night at his home and Niall graciously agreed, planting a kiss on Harry’s lips. Harry gave him a dopey smile while he excitedly talked about the skyline at night.

Niall had wrapped up his picture taking about an hour ago and they were both slouched over on the couch, watching some random movie on the telly.

Since Niall had been here last, the photos were moved to the drawers of the coffee table and Harry got a new mattress and bed spread for his room. He thought of it as plenty of progress for his situation.

As the credits rolled on the movie, Niall turned his head to place a sweet kiss to the bare shoulder of Harry’s. “Y’got any spare blankets, or anything? I can just use the pillows already here, so I’ll just need one.” Niall mumbled, glancing down at the pillow below his arm.

Harry wrinkled his nose. “Why?” He brought the leg of his that was hooked over the arm down to the floor so he could sit himself up, glancing down over Niall. Niall pondered for a moment while his eyes looked on at harry.

“I’m.. sleeping down here, right? I mean, I assumed..” He went on, only to stop once Harry began laughing at his ignorance.

“Don’t be silly. My bed could fit four people comfortably. You’re sleeping upstairs.” Harry spoke, moving himself to the edge of the couch now, his legs stretching out for a moment.

“Taking me to bed, and you haven’t even given me dinner?” Niall gasped so playfully, his jaw slacking a little bit. Harry only smirked before bending his fingers to give a cow bite to his thigh. Niall winced and let out a small squeak while holding onto his leg.

“I paid for the pizza. Now let’s get some sleep before we get too loopy.” Harry spoke, his smile shining bright as he glanced down at Niall who sat on the couch still, rubbing his thigh. Niall grumbled but found himself standing up eventually. Harry mumbled a soft “tv off” before they were both making their way up the stairs.

They shared soft, gentle kisses, before climbing into the bed. Both agreeing it would be too much for what they originally had wanted kissing in the bed.

They slipped in and said their goodnights, Harry on his side while Niall towards the middle of the bed. Once his head hit the pillow, he was out. Harry continued to watch him sleep on. He didn’t want to be creepy, but it was honestly the best thing he had seen, watching this other man sleep. It was like watching a kitten sleep, with little breaths and small movements. He would flinch and move or turn over or he’d rub his ear.

Harry cooed until he felt his eyes grow heavy and he was out on his pillow. 

\--

It didn’t last for long, though. Harry would have passing out spells where he was so tired, sleep for 15 minutes, and then wake back up wide awake for two or three hours at the least.

He was an honest to God Sims character.

And tonight, was no different. His fingers twitched and his eyes blinked opened and closed every two minutes. He could hear Niall next to him, sleeping peaceful as ever.

He glanced to check the clock and saw he had only been asleep for about 40 minutes, and he knew, without those pills, he wouldn’t be able to sleep.

And they were downstairs.

\--

Harry rolled from the bed gently, making sure not to wake the sleeping angel that was currently fast asleep. He just needed to slip down into the kitchen and find the pills and he’d be set.

Pulling on a random shirt he found on the floor, he creeped through the bedroom door and down the steps without making any noise. He kept the lights off, except for the small desk light opposite of the kitchen when he finally made it down there.

The cat, in his bed, meowed softly when he heard the disturbance and Harry quickly shushed him.

“Don’t wake Niall up.” He mumbled before going back to the desk. He pulled the drawer open and in it, pill bottles rattled and rocked around. He grumbled at how noisy he was being, glancing up the steps with a small pause. He waited, listened, for any sort of movement. After a few moments, he began searching again. 

He let out the breath he was holding and began pulling out bottles. Setting them up correctly and one by one, he searched through them, reading labels. He couldn’t  _ find  _ them and he just wanted to sleep. He pushed the hair back from his face and wiped the sweat that gathered on his brow.

“Fucking… fuck.” He mumbled, the anger and annoyance bubbling up inside of him. His fingers gripped for bottles, re-reading over the labels and his foot was bouncing under the desk he sat at. He just wanted sleep, and he couldn’t even fucking get that.

So, with some random bottle, he shoved the rest back into the drawer, not remembering nor caring about Niall’s sleep anymore. He just needed some relief himself.

He was rushing back into the kitchen for a moment, grabbing a spoon and his wallet before sitting back down at the desk in front of him. Pouring out the 5 white, square pills left, he began pressing the back of the spoon down to smash them into powder. He knew taking them wouldn’t get them into his system fast enough. Drastic times with drastic measures.

He continued to break the little white pills, smooshing with his thumb and the metal of the spoon until they were all a white dusting along the table. With the edge of a Starbucks giftcard, he began to line up the dusting, making them neat at small. Just how he was shown.

Once done, he tossed the card down into the bin below the table and bent his head in. With one finger on his nose, he was snorting up the first line, inhaling deeply with a shudder rocking down through his body. He gasped a bit, his eyes squeezing shut as he felt the sharp pieces scrape his sinuses.

He gripped for the table, holding himself still has he calmed and was breathing normally again. Swallowing a few times to make sure it was an all clear, he was bending in again, this time, finger on his nose.

“Harry.” A soft voice spoke, and he jumped higher than he thought, honestly. The desk shook in front of him and the cat even popped his head up, glancing to see who it was. Harry’s head followed to catch the person standing just at the bottom of the steps; Niall, in nothing but some pajama bottoms.

“What the fuck are you..” He said, cutting himself off as he looked at the younger, pale man below him.

Harry’s mouth gaped for a moment before sputtering around his own tongue. “I.. uh.. you. I… It’s not.. what you think. I don’t.. have a problem.” Harry spoke, dragging his arm across his face to wipe any extra dust. He chuckled, slapping a book down on the desk as he stood to hide anything else.

Niall furrowed his brows, jerking slightly at the book. “I never said you did, Harry. What.. is this?” Harry smirked only to roll his eyes, the high taking over his attitude.

“None of your fucking business. Go back to bed. I need to finish taking my medicine, and I’ll be up shortly.” Harry’s fingers searched blindly for the drawer while his eyes stayed on Niall’s face, licking across his lips.

“So you snort your medicine? Harry, what the  _ fuck. _ ” Niall spoke as he walked closer, his face only growing more with disbelief. Harry stood up abruptly as Niall made it to him, blocking his view of the desk and what he was doing. Niall came close to him, his chin tiling up to look the taller man in the eye. 

“I think you should leave.” Harry mumbled, his eyes blinking in a quick succession before squeezing them shut again. NIall kept his eyes on him, though, watching him close.

“Not until you tell me what the hell you’re doing.” His voice was low, serious. Harry could only laugh, his shoulders rising and falling with how hard his laugh was coming through. He brought his one hand up to cover of his mouth, his head falling back to lull against his shoulders. Niall grimaced as he watched on, taking a slow swallow.

Finally, through his fit of laughter and head rolls, he spoke up, wiping his eyes clear of the tears. “What.. the fuck does it look like I’m doing, huh? I’m taking my medicine. Now scram.”

Niall shivered at the tone Harry used with him, the sarcastic tongue. This wasn’t the Harry at all that Niall knew.

Harry was turning around, though, opening the drawer. Niall took the few quick steps to the desk, pushing the desk down from it before grabbing onto the bottle that Harry had brought out. Harry jumped for his hands when he realized what he had grabbed, but Niall had a hold of him, pushing him away from his space.

“Morphine?” Niall spat out, looking to Harry in disbelief. As if there could be anymore that filled up Niall’s face. “Harry.. why the fuck do you have this? This isn’t yours, this.. this can’t be.”

Harry was now leaning up against the corner of the wall that separated the kitchen from the dining room, his hands gripping at paint. His nails scratched along at it, leaving marks of flat white where the paint peeled away.

“I have a lot of pain.” Harry said, calmly, for once. His jaw was set stern and locked as he gazed at Niall and his milky skin in the moonlight.

“Bull _ shit  _ Harry.” Niall said, his fist now wrapping around the bottle has he got closer to him. “Unless you were recently in a fucking car wreck, or gave birth two months ago, you don’t fucking need these.” Niall pointed to the bottle before looking back to Harry, his brows now turned down,angry.

“And you sure as hell don’t fucking snort them. Are you fucking crazy? Even if you were taking these.. we’ve been drinking! Harry!” Niall was almost speaking in his outside voice, the veins in his neck growing larger as more intense the situation got.

“Are you even listening to me?” Niall asked, almost to the point of yelling at Harry like he was a child.

“He left me!” Harry screamed, loud. It left ringing in Niall’s ears, it left the whole flat dead silent for a moment. 

“He left me..” Harry said again, this time, a little lower. The second word out, the tears were being pulled from his eyes and his head thunked back against the wall behind him. His large shaky breath spread through him, and now he couldn’t hold back the sob building up.

“He left me… and he’s never..” Harry knocked his head back against the wall, a thud coming from it. “..ever..” Another one. “..coming back.”

He was on the floor, his back up against the wall now with his legs tucked up in underneath him. His sobs and cries and tears poured out now, his hands coming up to touch along his face. He was rubbing, scrubbing them away. He hunched over now and he was weeping to himself.

“I loved him. I lo-oh-oh-ved him.” Harry stuttered to the ground, his fist coming down quick to punch against the hardwood under him. “And he just left.” His voice went high pitched, raising his head up to look out across the windows that showed the moonlight. “He said.. he wasn’t in love with me anymore.” His throat was full of mucus and his mouth was wet with saliva as he continued talking.

“He went to his friend.. fucking Zayn, that son of a bitch.” Harry took a big sniffle and then gasped out again softly as he could breathe for a moment, pushing his hair to the side.

“He left me like this.. he left me. And I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.” He finally spoke, another choked sob coming from inside of him.

He would do this, every night, in the kitchen, the living room, the dining room, the bathroom, wherever he fell, wherever he lost it. All by himself, for hours.

This time was different.

Niall stood there, shocked, holding his breath. His body turned cold and his eyes grew wet as he watched Harry fall apart underneath him. He watched this man lose the color in his eyes, in his cheeks. He watched him beat himself up and didn’t know what to say.

So he just acted. Dropping the pill bottle, he came for Harry, came down beside where he sat, crying, messy, fucked up. He was close to him, pushing even closer while his arms were wrapping around his middle. Harry didn’t move, didn’t budge. Just sat and was a rag down as Niall embraced him, held in against his chest.

Niall pressed his face in along Harry’s wet jawline, resting his chin down along Harry’s shoulder. The younger boy warmed up to him a few moments later, settling himself and losing the tension in his shoulders to melt into the side of Niall. Harry still let it fall out of him, all this hate, and anger, and sadness and hurt. He felt himself falling from all of this and everything he put himself into. He could finally let go of it. Because somebody was finally listening this time.

Because somebody was there to finally catch him when he fell back in. 

\--

Harry’s tears stopped eventually, and he curled into Niall more, as well, his head and face coming to take in a deep wiff of Niall’s shampoo in his hair. He also placed a small kiss there when he could, his hand squeezing on the arm Niall had wrapped around him.

“Y’okay?” Niall whispered, his eyes peeking up to Harry.

“No..” Harry spoke, shaking his head. He couldn’t look at Niall, he couldn’t see the burden he put onto such a happy and sweet man. Now, he had to deal with Harry, of all fucking people. “I’m sorry you had to see that. I just.. I don’t know what got into me. Usually, the drugs help. They make it better. I’m.. fuck. I’m sorry.” Harry spoke, his hand coming up to again scrub along his face, sighing out slowly.

Niall wrestled his head up out of the neck of Harry’s before speaking up. “Harry, both you and I know they didn’t help. They aren’t helping you. They’re prolonging your recovery. You can’t do that to yourself anymore. You can’t feel sorry for yourself anymore.”

“Then what should I do? I’m no good at anything else other than self loathing and eating.” Harry looked to Niall. “Why am I even asking you. Fuck, you don’t even know me. I’ve been  _ lying  _ to you.” Harry was starting to move, like he was going to climb up and stand but Niall pulled him back, tucking him back into his side.

“Listen.” Niall spoke. “I forgive you. I also would like to start getting to know you more.” His eyes were serious now, gazing across Harry’s own that stared to him. Niall gave a small squeeze to the middle of Harry’s abdomen. “Please?”

Harry gave a small angry pout when he wasn’t allowed to get up but he went back to looking at Niall, peering at him, watching his lips move and eyebrows raise. “I mean, you already know this much, why stop now.” Harry said, giving a small fake smile before shrugging his shoulders.

Niall only nodded to Harry before leaving a small kiss to his stiff, stained cheeks. “Let’s go to bed.”

Harry didn’t take the rest of the pills, just followed Niall back up the steps and into the bed. He slept better than ever that night.

\--

Harry decided to take his vacation days those next to weeks and while Niall only had 5 days, he took them the second week of Harry’s vacation. Nick only found it slightly suspicious.

Nick found it highly suspicious when he called Harry a few times with Harry talking to Niall in the background.

“Is he there again?” Nick asked over the phone with Harry sushing the louder older man next to him, chuckling a little.

“Yes, are you jealous?” Harry chuckled, shoving Niall away who was trying so very eagerly to tickle on his love handles.

“I mean, a bit, I haven’t been over in such a long time. Have you both fucked yet in the jacuzzi tub? It’s my favorite.” Harry stood up to get away from Niall’s wrath, knowing he would be too lazy to get up. Niall only frowned but returned to watching the tv. Harry only rolled his eyes.

“We aren’t fucking. We’re friends. Can’t two men be friends?”

“Not when you’re both that cute.” Harry cooed for a moment at the compliment. “Thank you, darling. Such a sweetheart. I need to get back to him before he tears up my living room. He’s worse than the cat.”

Nick only scoffed. “Fine, leave me for your new sex toy. I’m coming over tomorrow!” Nick shouted. Harry only agreed and picked a time before they were both done, hanging up on the call. Harry made his way back into the living room, another beer and lemonade in his hands for him and Niall. He was about to speak before he saw what exactly Niall had done.

“Please.” Harry spoke as he looked down to all the pictures spread across the table in front of him. Niall glanced back at him, a slightly pained expression on his face. “Can we just do this another time?” Harry asked as he fell back down into his seat.

“Harry.. the sooner we do it, the faster this goes. Come on..” Niall said, encouraging him to sit up. Harry glanced down to the table for a moment, scanning across the pictures slowly. He eased up and sat on the edge of the couch. He glanced to Niall who only gave him a small smile of support. He finally reached in to pick one up, a random one.

“His mum’s wedding.” Harry mumbled, swallowing down the large lump in his throat. He felt like he could puke for days. He looked across them both in the picture, their bright smiles and their wide eyes. His shirt wasn’t even buttoned up all the way and he was burning up in the sun but he didn’t even care that day, he was so in love. “He caught the bouquet.” He sniffled with a smile only to shake his head slightly.

“His dream was to get married on the field. He wanted to do it before a football game, have all his football mates and his family there. You would need a field to hold his entire family.” Harry chuckled before his tears were hitting the glass of the picture and he wiped them from his cheeks and nose, raising his head up to take a big sniff.

Niall watched on carefully, admiring his love and admiration for somebody who, in the end, didn’t love him back. Niall could never imagine what it feels like to be in Harry’s place right now. How traumatic and horrific it must be to lay there and think about ending it.

He just wants Harry to know that there is somebody who loves him back, who cares about him. There always will be.

They continue on for hours, Harry spilling his guts and tears about every single picture. Once he’s done, Niall takes the picture from it’s place in the frame and places it in the pile he’s made. He makes sure to look into the picture, capture it, understand where Harry’s coming from, what it would be like. It takes his breath away, almost.

Niall promises to put the pictures in a safe place, and he hides them away in a random part of Harry’s place. Niall promises that once Harry is healthy again, he will tell him the location of the box if he wishes to know. Harry agrees to it, and places a soft kiss along Niall’s always soft lips.

“I don’t deserve a friend like you.” Harry mumbled along them before laying another kiss to Niall. Niall returns them sweetly, but gentle. He only nods in return and says a soft “You do.”

Harry’s head tilts to the side as he feels his body go lax along the couch, his hand soft on Niall’s bare thigh. He wore his shorter shorts today. He returns to Niall’s lips and kisses soft and short, his eyes closed.

“I need to repay you somehow.”

Niall only chuckled a little, his cheeks puffing up with his smile. “Just keep kissin’ me. No more talking.”

Hell yeah, Harry could do that.

And they ended their night like that, kissing and talking and snuggling up on the couch. Before Niall was falling asleep, he gave Harry some warm tea and melatonin pills to help him sleep. And they did the trick, both of them passed out on the couch with the night time television playing on in the background.

Harry almost forgot he was completely fucked up.

\--

**_July_ **

Harry’s first day of treatment was on the first of July. He promised Niall he would begin soon as he possibly could and go until the end of the year, or until he was better, whatever came first.

And Harry did it, without any hesitation or reinforcement. And maybe, because, deep down inside of himself, he knew he was going to be okay. He just needed somebody to get him there. Get him to that point and tell him that he needed to get himself some help.

Niall did that for him, told him to go get help when he needed it. Niall held him when he needed it. Niall made him laugh when he needed it. Harry was starting to think he needed Niall more than anything.

And Niall, he didn’t do it for himself. He didn’t want Harry to get better just so they could kiss more, so they could hang out more, so they could be something more. Niall genuinely cared about Harry, wanted to see him grow again and become better.

Harry almost cried waiting outside of the building of the therapist's office, cause he couldn’t stop thinking about Niall. He made it so much better. He made it easier. The sun shined brighter and the breeze felt cooler every since Niall had come around.

And at the right moment, Niall came around the corner, stopping at the feet of Harry. He raised his head up, grinning up to him as he stood over him. Niall chuckled. “Thinking hard?”

Harry wrinkled his nose while his eyes squinted, the sun peeking over Niall’s shoulder. “How’d you know?” He asked the sun.

“That’s your thinking face, idiot. I’ve seen it plenty of times.” Niall held out his hand to Harry below him and he took it, hoisting himself up to his feet. “How’d it go?” Niall asked as they began walking, his listening hears open now.

“Good.” Harry said confidently. “I talked to the guy, he was really nice. Kinda cute.” Harry smirked slightly, Niall only huffed out a short breath. “Continue.”

“Well, he said I clearly need to work on a lot of things. He said detox is gonna be a pain in the ass. Literally. I was on a lot of pain medications and muscle relaxers. Sometimes, I didn’t even read what the label was.. I’d just shove it in my mouth.” Harry looked down for a moment as they walked, ashamed under the eyes of Niall.

“Hey, it’s okay.. that shit, it’s in the past. You’re getting better, and that’s fucking great. You even seem to be acting better at work. You don’t stay in until 10:30.” Niall spoke, approving and nodding, encouraging Harry. He could kiss him, really, just full on.

“Thank you.” Harry spoke, small, with a smile to follow it. Niall returned the smile. “Food?” Niall asked, pointing across the street to the little vegan place they were at a few times before. Harry grinned to himself. “Yeah, I could go for a lil’ something.” And they were making it across the street and inside, filling up on their chips and wraps.

\--

Niall spends the night again, knowing it helps Harry sleep. That’s the one thing he had trouble with the most, sleeping pills, pain pills. They made him sleep, made him be dead to the world for 8 hours.

Without them, he’s drowsy, he’s irritable, and he just wants to sleep, wants to rest. The energy pills, the shit he took during the day, that was nothing. This was the one thing Harry couldn’t get over and he felt like he was going to explode sometimes because he was so frustrated with his own body.

Eventually, the melatonin and tea faded, and Harry had nothing left to help him sleep except Niall. And he knew Niall wasn’t perfect, he was a human just like Harry after all.

But even at 3am, Harry was angry that Niall wasn’t awake with him. That he wasn’t there to hold his hand, and talk to him, and just be there. Harry was even being extra loud to try and wake him up from his comatose state but nothing was working.

Harry was being bratty and selfish, but he wanted Niall with him at all costs. If Harry couldn’t sleep, neither could Niall.

And yeah, this was one of the many side effects of not getting enough sleep. He was crabby, he was angry, his body ached. How could he sleep with when his whole back and chest just ached from months of agony.

And he wanted to cry so fucking bad. The pain of holding it back was enough to make him go mental, slamming doors of fridges and cabinets just to see if Niall would wake up. Finally, he heard that one creaky stair and heard the shuffle of feet.

“arry?” Niall called out before yawning out slowly, stretching his arms above his head. Harry instantly regretted waking the poor boy up.

“Ni? Did I wake you? I’m sorry..” He mumbled, his fingers coming to touch on his lips. Niall only shrugged. “It’s fine.. I know you can’t sleep, love.” The name was new, and it warmed Harry a bit, feeling his breath flutter.

“C’mon.” Niall motioned him over, bringing him back from his quick thought. “Can watch a movie or somethin’.” And he was walking towards the living room, scratching at his bare stomach. Harry glanced to see his bum covered in nothing but some boxers.

“Niall, no, go back to sleep, I’m fine.” He kept the mental image of Niall’s behind in storage and followed the man in, but he didn’t have it, shaking his head up to Harry. His eyes glowed beautifully in the telly light. He patting his lap which was quickly filled with Harry’s head. He lifted his feet to the couch and was laying across it.

Once Niall had some random movie playing, his fingers pressed down along Harry’s scalp, rubbing and touching easily while raking through his long hair. His nails would dig in just a bit to scrub along the skin before they were easily touching and soothing the skin. Niall’s other hand was rubbing along Harry’s arm, lightly drawing the patterns of his tattoos. Niall’s nail traced the jagged lines of the ship, and Harry almost purred in comfort.

They were both asleep by the end of the movie. 

\--

“He’s helping me.” Harry spoke, watching Nick try and soak up the grease spot on his suit. Harry could only roll his eyes down at the man.

“I mean, I understand that, but how is he in bed? Can I take him for a spin?” Nick glanced up with the wiggle of his eyebrows. Harry gave him a blank stare for a moment before speaking again. “He’s not a car, Nick, he’s a human being!”

“Okay! Okay! I’m sorry, feminist Harry.” Nick held his hands up in defense. Harry smiled at his nickname for the day but he was soon reaching for a new piece of toilet roll to dab off the mark from Nick’s suit. Nick groaned with his head back against the wall. “Do you need any pills for the week?” He asked, his eyes trained on the walls.

Harry stiffened up for a moment and cleared his throat. “No, I”m good.. I’m, trying to kick them.” He continued to scrub at the blob. Nick’s hand came up to pat on Harry’s shoulder. “Happy for you, mate.” He said, a soft smile on his lips.

That was better than he expected. “Thank you.” Harry said softly. “I’m trying to get myself back, you know?”

Nick shook his head slightly. “Don’t get back the old you. The old you, the old you loved him. Become the new you. Who loves Niall and invites me over more.” Nick was poking his finger, jamming, actually, into Harry’s shoulder. He did a soft ‘ow’ before he realized what had been said. 

"What?! Love?!” Nick was laughing, already halfway out the stall in the bathroom. “You’re absurd!”

“Harry, I watch you from my desk everyday. Sometimes to admire you. Sometimes, I’m plotting your death, but that’s besides the point.” Nick was still laughing. “The way you look at him.. it’s like he created the fucking world for just you. He created the English language just for you, the way you listen to him. God, it’s so annoying. I’m tired of you being in love, you never pay attention to me.” Nick pouts but only for a minute.

“I saw you fall in love with Louis way back then. That could never amount to this. You didn’t start hanging out with Louis weeks until after you met. You followed Niall around for three days straight, making up stupid jokes and laughing at each other. He is over your place every. single. day.”

Harry frowns as he wrinkles his brow up a bit. “He should be at home, focused on his work.” Harry mumbled.

Nick only laughs again. “Trust me, he’s great at what he does. His pictures are phenomenal. What he sees in his pictures, though, he sees in you as well.”

Harry swallows as he feels a rush of warm all over his body, biting down on his lip. Nick smirks and is gone before Harry could say anything else. Harry grumbles and couldn’t imagine Niall, falling in love with him. That’s crazy.

What’s not so crazy is that Nick is right, and Harry’s heart is already in the hands of the blond with the big mouth.

\--

July speeds along with Harry attending his meetings every Friday and Sunday, his sleep becoming somewhat easier to cope with. He makes it to bed around 3am, 2am with Niall’s help and calming voice.

However, Niall had to go away for the week, going back to Ireland to visit his family and take some photos, and if Harry isn’t pissed about it like a 5 year old child who just got their toy taken away, he doesn’t know what he is.

Harry hates to admit it, but he feels lost without him. He feels stuck, doesn’t want to leave. Going to work without his bright eyes and sweet presence just dampens the mood.

And he’s told his therapist about his mood issues, how he feels when his friends aren’t with him. Which means Niall. And his therapists says it’s normal to want to be around the people you depend on the most, but you need to ween yourself from them. You have to be an adult after all.

Why can’t Harry just be an adult with Niall?

So here, he sits, on a Sunday night in his kitchen. Niall isn’t coming home until tomorrow and Harry tells himself he can make it. They’ve been texting constantly, Niall sending pictures of things he’s seen and people he loves.

Harry absolutely adores Theo, and wants ten children exactly like that with Niall.

Harry sighs at that thought and rubs his hands across his eyes. He can’t be falling in love with somebody like this. He  _ just  _ got out of a relationship. He isn’t healthy. He also, doesn’t even know if Niall likes him. Yeah, he likes guys but like… Harry is a fucking mess.

Why would Niall even consider a mess like this?

Harry just lets his head fall down to the countertop below him, letting out a large sigh. Somewhere in the distance, his cat sighs as well.

\--

Monday’s weren’t ever really fun days, and whoever came up with that slogan could fuck off.

It’s mostly because Harry slept 4 hours last night but he just hates Mondays. Especially Mondays when Niall won’t be in.

Harry slouches down in his desk on his third cup of coffee in 20 minutes and glares at the LED computer screen in front of him.

“Guess who comes back tonight, Harry?!” Alexa said excitedly as she popped up in front of his desk, grinning bright. When Harry had the thought, he gave a quick turn of the lips.

“Niall..” He mumbled. Alexa turned then to Nick. “HA! Got him to smile about him. Our boy is in love.”

Harry could hear Nick’s eyeroll all the way at his desk. When Harry finally looked up to her, he wrinkled his nose at her ugly Christmas sweater.

“Why in the world have you got that on?” He spoke, cupping his mug tightly to his fingers.

“Christmas in July, silly. It’s the 25th. Only 6 more months, love.” And she waved before skipping back off to her desk.

The mention of Christmas sent him almost mad and he had 5 more hours of work to get through.

“Fucking Christmas.” Harry mumbled. Nick raised his eyebrow so he for sure heard what had come from his mouth.

Harry grumbled, checking his calendar then his email. There were 4 different ads telling him about the Christmas in July offers.

Harry wanted to liquefy himself and soak down into his chair and never have to hear about that stupid holiday ever again.

He exited out of all the emails and deleted them all at once before he checked the time again. He really just wanted Niall to come home already.

\--

Of course the flight was delayed. Of course there were storms. Of course half the city’s television broadcasts had to remind Harry that Christmas was only a month away. He couldn’t be happier to celebrate the dreaded holiday with friends and family and a fiance who was going to leave you.

Harry flicked off the television and slammed the remote down onto the table, his fingers pinching at his eyes. He just wanted it to be tomorrow already. 

His therapist told him he needed to control his mood swings, but he knew he was doing a shit job of doing it. 

Harry couldn’t help that half the fucking world was triggering him.

So he sat quietly, breathing in through his nose and out of his mouth for a good 3 minutes, letting his body relax into the couch. He so badly wanted something to numb him just once more. Just one more time, like a celebration. He can get through this, he tells himself.

He can get through it with some help, he also tells himself.

He just doesn’t want to feel. At least until Niall comes home. Until Niall comes home, and makes it better. But Niall doesn’t come home for who knows how long, and Harry knows where a stash is hidden.

Harry is up off the couch and in his bedroom in record time.

\--

It’s warm, and it’s kind of old, but Harry’s toes feel tingly and he’s laughing to himself while playing with his hair and drinking on the clear liquid from the glass bottle. He blows his hair up from his face only to laugh when it comes back to tickle on his nose.

He feels light, with his head tipped back over the arm of the couch. He’s laughing, at what, he couldn’t tell, but he’s feeling good. The numb is back and it feels good to be king for a moment.

He really should have stopped there, but he wanted more, as always, and continued to drink through the bottle. He giggled and laughed and just sat on the couch until his eyes got heavy. He drank until he forgot the bottle was empty at least four times. He just wanted Niall to come home. 

Maybe if he slept, he thought to himself. He doesn’t remember falling asleep or blacking out, if you wanted to get technical.

\--

When he wakes up, there’s a smell of some blood in the air and the sound of Niall’s frantic voice and hurried breaths. He sees light finally, blinking himself out of his haze.

“Huh?” He groans, taking another wiff of the scent of blood through his nose on another breath.

“Fucking..” Niall says, panicked. He’s running back again, through the house. He comes back this time with towels, the white ones from the kitchen. Harry can see that now, and he can move his head, though it’s like he has a bullet lodged somewhere, the pain rocking through his entire cranium.

“Fucking, Harry.. Hey, Harry.” Niall’s looking to his eyes, looking over him. He’s pressing the towels to his skin now, and they’re coming back red.

“Not the good towels, Niall..” Harry slurred back to Niall. “Who made.. this mess?” He asked before hs head thunked back to the floor.

When Harry passed out, he rolled off the couch, smashing the bottle along with falling. Niall was putting pressure on the cuts in Harry’s jaw and neck. They weren’t bad, probably wouldn’t need stitches, but they were deep enough for blood to be pouring down over his neck to stain his shirt and the carpet that laid across the hardwood floors.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Niall mumbled, looking down over the man. He had just come in the door, setting his things down to go searching through the house. He screamed almost when he found Harry how he was.

“Just.. wanted you.” Harry mumbled, a pout forming across his lips. He wiggled himself around, hissing softly. Niall stilled him quickly. “Stop.” His hand pressed on his chest before Harry moved his head around in something that seemed like a nod.

“Let me clean up the glass first.” Niall was moving back, hoping the towel was resting well enough on Harry’s neck. Niall sprinted back through to the kitchen once he was up, Harry screaming out to him. “My hero!”

Niall frowned at his reflection in the fridge before he was back in the living room, cleaning up the glass he could. Harry watched up at him with glassy eyes and a dopey smile.

“Can I cut my head off, please? It hurts too much.” Harry mumbled, all jumbled up with words, before he was rubbing on his eyes, letting out a soft whine to himself. 

Niall only shook his head. “It’s cause you hit it when you fell. Need to get you up, come on.” With the glass all thrown away in the bin, Niall moved behind Harry to lift him up forward first, helping him sit himself up. It was quite fast, and Harry was quite out of it.

Harry burped a couple times, his face wrinkling. So Niall honestly and truthfully wasn’t surprised when Harry was throwing up all over his legs and the floor in between him and in front of him. He was coughing and hacking through it, groaning out for Niall in between the entire contents of his stomach were being displayed out on the floor.

Niall went for his hair, holding it back while his warm hand was rubbing up and down Harry’s back, soothing him as best as he could. He even fucked his nose into his neck for a moment once he was done, just to tell him it was alright.

“It’s alright.” He whispered to Harry. 

\--

Niall sent him, without his throw up pants and bloody shirt, upstairs to shower with two bottles of water and a heating pad once he was done to put on his head. Niall, being the angel he was, cleaned up for Harry. He tossed the rug, not even bothering to try and clean those stains out and mopped and swept and didn’t imagine this was how his night was going to be spent.

He waited downstairs for a good hour for Harry to return, telling him to come back down anyways so they could talk. However, Harry never showed and Niall was completely worried.

He went up the steps by two, his shoes off walking around in his brightly decorated socks. He knocked on the bedroom door a couple times, asking if Harry was in there. With no answer, he let himself into the unlocked room.

With no sign of Harry but the shower running, he felt a bit better. He made it around the bed and to the bathroom door where he knocked again. “Harry, love, are you alright?” he asked loud enough to hear over the water. No answer.

He waited and knocked again before he was twisting the handle open. He walked into a steam closet, his breath being knocked out of him as he walked through the wall of hot air. He winced a bit while he made it deeper into the bathroom, hearing a loud sob coming from inside of the shower.

“Go away!” Harry’s voice came from the shower floor, echoing off the walls. He was crying hard, his head pressed up against the back wall as he curled himself up underneath the spray of the showerhead.

“Fuck, Harry, are you okay?” Niall asked, speaking over the spray of the water. Harry grew angrier, reaching up with his hand to hold the door to the shower shut. “I said go away! Go home! I’m fine!”

Niall just stood, watching Harry through the tinted glass of the shower. Niall made it over a few steps to the door, knocking on the glass lightly with his knuckle. Harry grunted. “Can you just fucking leave?” He asked, another sob shaking through his body.

“No. I’m coming in.”

And before Harry could hold the door shut tighter, Niall had his shirt off and had it open, Harry frowning with his eyebrows set in deep. His eyes were bright red and he was still in his boxers, his hair lying and sticking all over his face. “Can you leave?” He asked as he watched Niall step in, his jeans turning darker in the spots where the water hit.

“Why?” Niall asked, sitting himself down right in front of Harry, tucking his legs up underneath himself. “So you can cry more? I’ve already seen, Harry, you’re not fooling anyone.”

Harry pushed the big wad of his own hair from his forehead back before he was rubbing his fists over his eyes. “I just want to be alone. I don’t want help anymore, I can do this.”

“Bull fucking shit.” Niall muttered, letting out a soft laugh. “I leave for a week, and you’ve got yourself poisoned again.” He shook out his hair for a moment, pushing the blond back up past his eyes.

“Because I can’t fucking do it without you! I need to fucking be an adult.” Harry was yelling now, angry with the veins popping in his neck. He took in a deep breath with a sniffle, crying again. “You come in here, and you fucking.. you make my life fucking amazing. You come and make me laugh, and make me. Fuck, you make me happy. And then you see me and you see how fucked up I am, you see the  _ real  _ me, and you stay. You don’t have to fucking stay, Niall. Just leave already.”

Harry was shaking now, his face pressed into his knees. “Just leave, so we can just.. move on.” He spoke towards the shower floor. “I never deserved you. I knew it, and I let myself fucking fall in love.”

Niall listened, silently, with his breath held in as always, never wanting to miss a beat or a word or syllable.

“You’re really stupid, Harry.” Niall mumbled. He moved his legs now, letting them slip to the sides of Harry so now extended, the bracketed Harry’s fetal position.

“Thanks for the observation, doc.” Harry spat at him, his eyes narrowing into a glare as they peeked up at the blond’s wet face. “I’ll be sure to remember that.” 

“Why do you think I’m here? To just hold your hand? To  just kiss your booboos? To just hold your hair when you puke on yourself?” Niall crossed his arms over his chest. “Because if you think that’s the case, then you’re right.”

Harry paused for a moment. The water beat down over the both of them, their clothes soaked and their skin pruney. Harry swallowed slow and let his eyes relax as they settled on Niall’s lips, watching him speak.

“When I first met you, I saw the real you. I saw your long stares, and your flowy shirts. I listened to your weird laugh and monotone voice and I admired it. I never wanted to not hear it. I never wanted to not see it, see you.” Harry shifted himself, his legs spreading out a bit so he was sitting criss cross in between Niall’s legs. His hands rested down in his lap with his eyes and head down.

“You made  _ my  _ life amazing. You made me want to come to work everyday. I was so bloody nervous about this job. My first fucking break, and there you were, helping me with every step along the way. You made  _ my  _ life amazing. And when I found you that night, at that desk, it was still you. You were fucking wrecked, Harry. You were traumatized, beaten up by yourself until you had nothing left but your name. You were still you. You needed some repairs and you needed a hand to hold, but you were still you. You  _ knew  _ that wasn’t what you had become.”

Niall leaned forward now, his hands coming down so they could rest upon Harry’s bent knees. He squeezed on them.

“I know I don’t have to stay; I know I don’t have to do any of this, but I want to. I really want to.” Harry’s head raised up slowly, his eyes stained still with tears that rolled down his cheeks.

“Please.” Harry spoke, the water droplets falling from his lips as he spoke. “Don’t ever leave without me.”

“Never.” Niall said in between them, his hand coming up back around Harry’s wet head and he was pulling him in close, meeting Niall to land their lips together in a longing kiss. Niall gripped on the wet locks while Harry’s hands were searching for Niall, taking a hold of his jaw finally as they both pressed themselves into it.

\--

**_August_ **

The heat began to be too much and Niall started showing up to work in less and less, sparking a few eyebrow raises from the local desk people. Mostly Nick and Alexa.

“He’s wearing shorts to a fashion magazine.” Nick rolls his eyes. “If he wasn’t incredibly hot, I would drag him.” Harry only replied to that with a flick to his cheek. Nick whined out and held at the reddening skin.

“I think he looks cute. It works. The button up shirt is classy with his shorts. It’s a nice summer look.” Harry commented before going back to reading over his review.

“Yeah, for a posh 15 year old going on a ride on daddy’s yacht.” Alexa mumbled, both her and Nick giggling to themselves.

“Harry only thinks he’s cute because he gets to stick his dick in his arse.” Nick mumbles, but Harry always hears. Alexa’s jaw drops before she’s slapping Harry’s back. “You dog!”

“It’s not like that!” He says, immediately. “We’re just.. together, you know? The most we’ve done is kissed. Like.. we just like, kissing. It’s not.. Okay, yeah, it’s serious. He’s fucking amazing.” Harry can’t control the smile that comes across his lips and Alexa is coming behind him to give him a tight hug, kissing his cheek.

“Well done, Harry. He’s a keeper. Just tell him to lose the shorts.” And she’s patting his shoulder and he’s laughing with a smug expression. “I don’t tell him what to wear! He’s an adult.”

“Are we sure? He likes to play with his food a lot. He also eats cereal for breakfast.” Nick chimes in. Harry rolls his eyes. “It’s cute. He’s sweet, he’s.. charming, and funny, and he is  _ himself.  _ He’s not trying to be better for his team or his friends.” Harry speaks, realizing what he’s doing. “He’s absolutely nothing like Louis.”

And he says it. He takes a deep breath and he smiles. “Yeah. Nothing like him.”

\--

Niall explains to Harry that he needs to take more pictures so they go for walks more often. They go to parks and they go deeper into the city and they go all around. Harry shows Niall the shops he likes and Niall shows Harry where he lives, a quaint little place on the corner that’s right across from a Nandos. Niall admits he’s probably there more than his own living room, but it’s more like he’s with Harry more than anybody else.

Harry likes it, he likes that Niall is with him and never, ever complains. He’s kept him cooped up in the house for days, listening to records and ordering take out. He’s made him shop for days on end, getting back to the flat to sleep and eat breakfast before their second day of the long weekend is filled with more bags. Niall doesn’t even mind carrying the bags. They’ve also laid in bed for a day just kissing and talking, from sunrise to sunfall, and a little bit after.

Harry constantly wonders where Niall’s been his entire life.

And it’s not just those things, it’s so much more. Their music tastes, their food tastes, their movie tastes, sometimes even their clothes, they agree on.

Louis was the exact opposite; he liked sports and he liked getting high and he liked going to parties. He was charming, though, and that’s what Harry really liked about him.

Harry fell for that “opposites attract” thing too many times, believing it every time it came out of somebody’s mouth.

“We aren’t magnets, we’re humans.” Harry laughed to himself, licking his chocolate ice cream cone. Niall nodded to him, watching the younger boy eat his cone.

“So he wasn’t like you at all. That’s so weird. I couldn’t imagine sharing my life with somebody who didn’t like the things I liked.” Niall squinted to Harry, the sun peeking around clouds to shine over them. It usually did that when Niall was out.

Harry shrugged. “I just pretended to like it because I loved him a lot. I mean, we both liked cooking, and I did like some of his music, but.” 

“I get you, it’s okay. I just never really had that problem.”  Niall spoke, capturing a picture of Harry on his camera, ice cream running down over his chin.

Harry squawked while dabbing his napkin on his chin. “Delete that!” He then glared at the blond before taking another lick. “So you were good with dating?”

Niall laughed, his shoulders hunching up a bit. “Not at all. I’ve never dated anybody before.”

Harry replied with wide eyes, the ice cream dripping down over his fingers now. Niall leaned himself in with a tiny smirk and he licked across where it spilled over Harry’s skin. “Is that surprising?” Niall mumbled, ducking his head down into watch Harry’s expression.  

Harry could kill this little dickhead. “Yeah, it kinda is. You’re adorable.” Harry took a large bite out of the ice cream so it would stop leaking. Niall only chuckled.

“Yeah, that’s why girls didn’t really want me. I wasn’t their type, wasn’t the big sexy guy to protect ya.” Niall shrugged. “And I didn’t have a big enough arse to be a twink, so I just said fuck it.”

Harry coughed as the ice cream slid down his throat, covering his mouth. Niall laughed, his hand coming up to make sure the cone was stable in his hand has Harry died before his eyes.

“Jesus, Niall.” Harry finally mumbled, a few coughs coming out of his throat. “I mean, your ass is nice. It’s clearly twink material. Those guys were stupid as hell.” He continued eating like he just wasn’t talking about Niall’s ass. He even made himself remember to get a few extra glances at it. Niall only grinned and blushed at what Harry had told him, though, not wanting to drag it out any longer.

That night, the picture of Harry’s face covered in ice cream is in one of his photo frames, hanging on the wall in the living room.

He gives extra kisses to Niall as they head to bed.

\--

**_September_ **

“You aren’t!” Nick gasps, his jaw dropping a little bit. Harry just smirks a little bit. They’re in the bathroom stall again.

“Yeah.. I told him it’s a surprise, but.. I think he knows. He’s asked about it, y’know. Like, why haven’t we?”

“Oh my god. Do you need anything?” Nick asks, his eyebrows raised.

“Nick, what the hell, I was in a gay relationship for three years, I think I’m pretty good. I know what I need.” Harry rolls his eyes while his back pushes up against the wall behind him. Nick huffs.

“No, I meant like. You wanna last a couple rounds?” Nick wiggled his eyebrows before he was grunting as Harry hit him in the stomach playfully. “You’re disgusting.”

“Hey, I just want you to please your man so I don’t have to.” Which, Nick deserved a second hit for that, Harry pushing the door open. He laughed to himself. Nick followed behind, angry and slouching as he held onto his stomach.

\--

Harry got off work early on Tuesday so he could make it home before Niall did. Home.

Harry pinched his nose for a moment as he remembered that it wasn’t Niall’s home. Not yet, at least. He hoped to sway him tonight.

He got into the kitchen with the grocery bags, setting them up on the countertops so he could start putting things away that he didn’t need right now. He was however, getting the wine ready for the sauce. He also was unpacking the chicken to let it thaw out in the microwave.

He set his phone up to play Rumors as he began making dinner, singing along with Stevie.

\--

Niall steps into the flat and takes a deep breath, inhaling the scent of chicken and he can’t help but hear his stomach rumbling.

“Harry?” He was calling out as he stepped inside finally, setting his bags down in their normal place, right next to Harry’s.

He’s almost halfway towards the kitchen before he sees Harry coming from the other direction with a pointy hat up top of his head.

“Happy Birthday!” He cheered, a wild smile on his lips. Niall smiled bright himself when he saw how ridiculous he looked with the hat on. Harry’s arms came around Niall and hugged him tight into his chest. Niall’s arms slipped back around Harry and sunk into his embrace, letting out a slow sigh.

“Thank you.” Niall finally mumbled into Harry’s chest, nuzzling into it easily. Harry even placed a soft kiss to Niall’s hair before nuzzling into it. Niall really was the perfect height. “Now tell me where the food is.”

That broke Harry’s thought process and he was laughing to himself. “Dinner is in ten, I promise. The broccoli is being steamed right now.”

Niall couldn’t help but groan as he was pulling from Harry’s embrace. “You’re making me eat healthy on my  _ birthday?”  _ He let his head fall back and lull against his shoulders for a moment while Harry laughed.

“I am, but you won’t even taste it, come on.” Harry dropped his hand down to take Niall’s and they were walking back into the kitchen, stomachs growling and mouths watering. 

Niall’s was, at least.

\--

Harry’s mouth was watering for something else, he realized. He loved every moment with Niall during dinner, really, but he felt like time was going slow. He felt like time had stopped and Niall, the fastest eater in the world, was going at a snail’s pace.

Harry could die as he watched Niall cut up his chicken and eating it, sending smiles across the candle lit table at him. He would honestly take him right here if he wasn’t trying to be romantic about it.

Harry hyped himself up so much about it, wanted to get it right. When he was with Louis, he wanted everything to be correct. He wanted certain things done at certain times. Harry was so used to following it, he’s not sure what foreplay is anymore.

Though, he would love to reacquaint himself with it with Niall.

“This is so good.” Niall mumbled past his chewing, smiling over at him. Harry wouldn’t have him any other way, though.

“I’m really glad, babe.” Harry said, sipping on his water from the wine glass. “I wish I hadn’t tasted everything earlier, I could have eaten more with you.” He chuckled.

“Nah, just more for me.” Niall mumbled to himself while shoving another forkfull in through past his lips, grinning over towards Harry.

Harry laughed, shaking his head slightly. “If you don’t finish soon, you won’t get your present.” His fingers were playing with the napkin laid across his plate.

Niall’s head rose and he was swallowing down his whole bite full in a moment before he was speaking up. “I’m done.” He spoke, tossing his napkin down, too, on the plate, his wide eyes already looking across the table to Harry, a tiny smile spreading over his lips.

Harry only laughed, his head shaking. “Finish!” He pointed to half the piece of chicken on Niall’s plate. He watched on as Niall covered it up with his napkin before he replied. “I’m done! I want my present! You really didn’t have to get me anything, this was already perfect enough..” He trailed off, smiling genuinely across the table to Harry.

“Well, I mean, if you really don’t want it…” Harry lead off, his eyes trailing down to the floor where he smirked at nothing in general, Niall groaning in the background.

“I want it!” Niall was waving his hands out in front of him, trying to get Harry’s attention. Harry’s head comes back up to see the alert Niall, laughing out to himself.

“We’re gonna have to lose some clothes.”

Niall was already tugging his shirt off.

\--

Niall was sprawled out on his back across the soft satin, his fingers gripping on the soft fabric while the back of his head dug into the bed as well, letting out a quiet moans and annoyed noises as Harry insisted to take his time down over every inch of his skin.

Deep down, Niall found it adorable and special and his heart grew even more.

But now, with his prick fattening up inside of his jet-black boxers and his skin thoroughly kissed over by Harry, he was pressing his hips up eagerly for the man lingering over him.

“Please.” Niall finally croaked out, exposing his neck for a moment as his head pushed back into the mattress. Harry only chuckled along the skin of Niall’s ribs, kissing up over his left side ones. He made sure to outline the ones he could find before moving his way up back to his already so sensitive nipples.

“You told me I was allowed to have my time.” Harry’s tongue poked out, tracing in circles around the pert nub. Niall whined high in his throat as his body was quickly littered in goosebumps.

“Time’s up.” Niall mumbled with his head raising to look down at Harry. His chin pressed down to his chest while Harry gazed up over the porcelain skin. Their eyes met and the chemistry in the room changed, their eyes almost glassing over with pleasure that seeped through both of their bloodstreams.

Harry was quick to move his body up and over Niall’s again, pressing their lips together sensually. They moved in slow motion almost as Harry’s head tilted to slot their mouths together perfectly, tongues sliding together and teeth nipping on lips. With one hand pressed to the side of Niall, holding him up, his other dropped down so he could bring Niall’s legs up, lifting them to place his feet flat on the bed. Once done, the kiss was broken and Niall already felt loose and broken in.

“Mm.” The blonde hummed as his legs were being moved together and Harry’s slim fingers were tugging on the fabric from around his waist. He lifted his hips to aid him before letting his legs fall back open and into place, spread out still for Harry.

Harry’s breath caught as he saw the smaller body below him, the dim light casting a warm hue over him. His prick was leaking wet at the top, pale with blotchy red forming all over him quick. Niall was blushing, biting his lip as his soft eyes looked back up to Harry, begging silently for some type of response or some type of answer.

“Beautiful.” Harry finally mumbled, turning his head so he could press an easy kiss to the side of Niall’s knee. Niall let out a soft breath, his body losing the tension it held.

Niall needed Harry as much as Harry needed Niall. 

\--

Harry head was ducking down in, his tongue nudging lightly along Niall's hole, teasing on the ring of muscles for a moment, testing the waters. Niall was crying out for him, though. "Harry, please." 

“Sorry..” Harry spoke softly, knowing not many people liked that. It was worth a shot. He was reaching to where he stashed the lube before Niall was speaking up. 

“No, no.. it was.. fuck, it was good, so good, but  _ please _ ” he begged. Harry groaned softly to himself while his eyes squeezed shut, giving a nod though Niall couldn’t see.

“Yes, babe.” He was flipping the cap open with a soft click and Niall could only groan again, his hips arching up slightly from the bed. “Next time.” He said finally before his hands were touching on his own legs, squeezing at the muscle there.

Harry’s head spun around for a moment at the “next time” and he had to take a slow breath in, and then out.

“Next time.” Harry nodded to himself, swallowing down the nervousness behind his voice. A next time. He’s going to have Niall multiple times. More than once. Again.

With his fingers covered now after his almost panic attack, he was teasing again over Niall’s hole now, nudging his fingers in a few times to hear the boy moan out his name.

“C’mon.” Niall was panting and Harry decided to move forward, noting how patient Niall was with his kisses.

With ease, he pushed a finger into him, opening him up with ease. Niall choked out a groan while his eyebrows furrowed, the sensation familiar, but still new enough it was.. odd. He bared down on Harry’s finger, though, rocking forward slightly to get his attention.

“Easy now, baby. Opened good for me, though.” Harry was mumbling into the side of Niall’s knee, moving his finger out slow before pressing it back up into him. He began moving it, a pace forming as he thrusted the finger into Niall. He kept moaning and thrusting back in return to Harry’s movements.

“More.” Niall demanded, to which Harry replied with. “Not yet, babe.”

“Harry.. please, fuck, more. I know I can handle it.”

And well, Niall was a big boy and Harry believed him, so with a bit more of the lube he was pressing his second finger into him, moving it slow again as he began stretching him open even more.

The grunts and groans of Niall went straight through Harry down to his dick, and he really just wanted to rub off against the bed. He probably could. But, this was Niall’s gift and damn, he was gonna make it great. He raised his head up and over Niall’s hips, his tongue coming out to lap along the skin of the underside of Niall’s now leaking prick. He was making a mess along his lower stomach and Harry promised to make it bigger by the time he was done.

Niall was sputtering, the fingers working deep inside of him with Harry’s hot mouth on his dick. Harry was now mouthing on it, sucking the skin so it raised up just a tiny bit before letting it go. His tongue slid up over the tip, lapping slow at the slit where the clear liquid leaked.

“M’ready.” Niall finally grunted out from his throat, his body shaking now as his breaths came through him.

Harry listened this time.

\--

Harry’s own wrapped prick lined up with Niall’s hole, nudging the tip along it. Niall had his hands now linked up behind Harry’s neck so he could hold himself up while his legs were loosely tied round his waist. Harry’s head was ducked down in beside Niall’s, sharing lazy kisses and soft noises. “Good?” Harry had mumbled into Niall’s mouth, his tongue chasing after Niall’s for a moment.

“Yeah, good, good.” He could barely get out, kissing back along Harry’s lips.

He to a hold of a few strands of Harry’s hair just in time as he was pressing up into him slowly. He tugged along with the pressure that was quickly filling him. It was a dull ache that spread through him first, the stretch knocking the breath out of him for a second. Harry stopped for a moment, his free hand that lead him into Niall now on his hip, giving it a squeeze.

“Breathe, come on.” He spoke low, his mouth laying kisses along Niall’s skin of his jaw. Niall could only nod, taking in a deep ragged breath. It felt as if with each breath, he pulled Harry in closer along with the air, connecting them together even more.

“Good.” Harry spoke, breaking Niall’s thought. He sunk deeper into Niall before it was gone again, pulling out for another slow stroke and Niall was full again, and deeper this time as well. He kept the feeling to himself and his breath steady, his soft noises filling up Harry’s ear with each breath he took. He took more hair in between his fingers and gave another tug, causing Harry to groan softly.

Harry’s head rose though and he gave Niall a look, making sure he was fine and that he didn’t look too displeased. His lips were parted, his eyes closed up and holding in something. Harry’s hair tickled on his nose before he was bending in to place a few soft open mouthed kisses on his jaw and chin.

“Okay?” He asked softly and Niall could barely nod, his head tossed back slightly. It didn’t hurt much anymore, it was just.. intense. He was full, and open, and it was Harry who was doing it. It was Harry who was inside of him, who held him, who kissed him. Harry, who took care of him for the first time.

“Harry..” Niall mumbled. Harry stilled his slow hips to bring his attention back to Niall, pushing his hair back up over his head. “Yeah, baby?” he asked sweetly.

“You’re my first.” Niall put it bluntly, his eyes almost already blown and his head already almost gone in a haze.

It was Harry’s turn to hold his breath, looking now down at Niall for a paused moment. “I.. what? What?”

“Wanted.. to wait n’tell you.” Niall whispered. “But.. I just wanted.. you to know.”

Harry’s eyes closed up for a moment and he swallowed the lump that formed, this time for another different reason. “Baby..” Harry whispered, his forehead coming to touch along Niall’s before they shared another slow kiss. He reminded himself of where he was and what was going on, and his hips started again, moving to thrust slow back up into Niall. He grunted down into his mouth while Niall returned the noises with each press into him, his legs growing tighter around his waist.

“Yeah.” Niall finally fully moaned out, his voice growing stronger as Harry fucked the noises out of him. He just held onto Harry as his thrusts would become faster, but smooth, each movement adding more pleasure and security in Niall.

He felt warm, and loved, and taken care of nowhere else but here under Harry, his hands and fingers touching all over him while they both moaned together, both breathed together. They synced, really, Niall’s heart beat like a drum that Harry followed along to.

Harry moved faster, his tracing random patterns into Niall’s skin before holding onto it and gripping it like if he let go, he’d lose him. Niall only holds on tighter as their hips move and slot together perfectly for a moment only to pull away, doing it all over again as Harry pushed into him again.

The pleasure pulsed through Niall beautifully, the hair on his neck standing up while his senses took in everything; the taste of Harry’s tongue on his own, the heavy smell of sweat and sex surrounding them, the sight of Harry looming with his curtain of hair blocking out anything else, the powerful rush of chemicals and emotions rushing through him.

The smack of skin and rushed movements brought Niall back for a moment, Harry’s voice following. “Gonna cum for me, yeah?” He asked Niall, his voice sending a shudder through Niall. Yeah, he was.

“Yes, fuck.” Niall moaned out, now. He had enough emotion for now, the pool of warmth and fuzz in his lower stomach building up almost ready to burst.

“So good for me, yeah, so beautiful. Wanna make you cum.” Harry was mumbling nonsense to Niall, his face pressed down into the blond’s neck. If Niall wasn’t full of his cock, he’d just want to be full of Harry’s compliments and words of praise. Later, he noted.

Niall couldn’t even respond, his whole body freezing up for a brief moment, the rush of everything all at once making his body stall.

All at once, it came down on him. His blood on fire and his brain a mess, he gripped for Harry above him, pulling him and rocking back towards him. His hips grinded and went for it, clenching around Harry inside of him as his vision turned white and his whole body shuddered completely gone. It hit him so hard, his orgasm washing over like a splash of the entire ocean hitting on him.

He called for Harry through it all, holding onto him tight, only letting his hips rock and rut into his own. Harry responded with moans and noises into Niall’s neck followed by bites and squeezes on his hips.

Niall felt numb in the best way, his whole body floating and only being held down by Harry. The over stimulation felt beautiful and Niall spoke quietly into Harry’s ear, begging for him to cum for him just like Harry did, asking to be filled and Harry didn’t disappoint, spilling his orgasm and words and curses to Niall.

They both held on tight, their mouths connected as they both finally stopped and took slow breaths in to fill their chests. Harry fell into the bed and Niall scooted in close with him, holding onto him like it was the only thing he could do for the rest of his life.

Their soft touches and sweet kisses and gazes while they laid in the soft light really told what they were both thinking. 

\--

**_October_ **

Harry really loves Niall, through and through. Harry doesn’t know how he found Niall or what god was looking out for him and made Niall land exactly right in the same city, the same job as Harry, but he thanks it tenfold. He thanks the stars and sky for it, really, watching the man laugh with none other than Liam and Nick who throw peanuts at each other at their table. Nick tries to be an adult, he really does, but the children throwing their food is triggering and he starts up as well.

Harry just hopes they stop when their drinks are refilled.

He finally gets back to the table, the men cheering at their beers while Harry rolls his eyes with his Shirley Temple, taking a sip.

Liam finally speaks up. “I just realized, we have a proper person to take us partying in March on St. Patrick’s Day.” And he grins down the table at Niall who grimaces.

“Are you lot just using me for my heritage?” Niall asks, going for a chip.

“Yeah.” Nick says, giving a nod. Niall shrugs. “I’m in.” That causes Liam and Nick to cheer again, slapping high fives on their hands. Harry shakes his head. “I can’t believe you’d let them use your ancestors like that.”

“They’d be honored I’m helping you all have a good time. God knows you can’t do it by yourself.” Niall is smirking while the three all throw crumbs and hard ends of the chips at him.

“What’s important now is the 31st.” Harry says while Niall dusts himself free of the crumbs. “I have no idea what to be.”

“I’m being a middle aged man who sells pot to teenagers in the city.” Nick chimes in and he’s smiling with a tilt of his head.

“You’re supposed to be something you don’t get to be everyday.” Liam speaks up before taking a sip of his pint. Harry and Niall’s jaws drop playfully while Nick lays a smack to Liam’s head, causing him to jerk, spilling some of his beer across the table. The whole table’s laughing by now except Liam who dabs on his shirt and finally wipes up the table. 

“Animals.” He mumbles, wiping his mouth off. “I’m going as Batman.”

“Weren’t you that last year?” Niall asked. Harry and Nick’s eyes fly to him, wondering how he knew. “What, I looked through his Facebook.”

“I was! But this year, it’s going to be ten times better.” Liam gave a knowing look.

“I’m sure.” Nick mumbled, getting a chip thrown at his cheek by Liam.

\--

“We look amazing.” Niall giggles to himself, adjusting his headband atop his head. He then made sure the strap that was strung to the guitar on his shoulder was secure, making it just a inch shorter. He grinned into the mirror only to turn when Harry came from the stall behind him. He laughed at the leather pants that clung to Harry’s legs and skin while he tried to adjust them.

“I love them but I can’t wear them.” Harry frowned. He adjusted the front of his pants. “Everybody is going to see the outline of my dick.”

Niall tried not to crack up laughing, his lips curling and his eyes crinkling but he let it out, letting it ring through the bathroom. “Poor Mick.” He mumbled before kissing on Harry’s pouting lips. His hand then came and lowered down over the front of Harry’s hands, his palm pressing in just enough to give some pressure. Harry gasped softly. “They may see it, but only I get to touch it.”

And before Harry could speak Niall’s hand and lips were gone and back across the room to the mirror. Harry only grumbled. “Who knew Keith was so feisty.”

Niall laughed and looked back at Harry in the mirror. “What can I say? It’s the rock and roll.”

“You’re ridiculous.” But Harry was smiling, coming up behind Niall to give him one last kiss to the cheek. “You ready, Richards?”

“Let’s roll, Jagger.”

And they were both out the door to the office Halloween party.

They won the costume contest by 20 votes.

\--

**_November_ **

Global warming took it’s toll on the earth and the first true cold day this winter so far was the ninth of November with the winds howling and snow pelting down in large clumps. It didn’t stick, the ground wasn’t frozen over yet, so it just made a mess in the streets and on the sidewalks where people wanted to walk.

Niall walked through the mess to meet up with Harry though after work, coming in to also pick up something from his work space. As they finished up and made it back outside, the temperature had dropped even more with the sun setting with only more snow to come. Harry sighed and pulled out his gloves, slipping them on his hands. Niall just shoved his fingers deeper into the thin denim he had on.

“It’s fucking freezing.” He muttered to himself as they began their walk back, Niall letting out a soft shiver every few steps.

“Do you not own gloves, or a scarf?” Harry asked, his eyebrow raising. He was almost ready to dig around in his bag to find his own before Niall was sniffling a little. “No.”

“You’ve lived here for how long?” Harry asked, shaking his head. Niall’s jaw dropped, fake offended. “I moved here in the spring! It was nice then. I didn’t even think about gloves and all that stuff.”

Harry sighed but he had a smile on his lips. “There’s a shop up here, we’ll stop in and buy you a pair or two. You need some fuzzy socks?”

“Nah, I just steal yours.” Niall shrugged to which Harry bumped into him playfully as they walked. “That’s where they keep going! You little thief!” Niall was laughing as they walked down the street.

\--

They made it into the little shop of all kinds of random things and went for the clothing section, looking over their colorful gloves, socks, thermal underwear, and much more. Niall held up a pair of the layered boxers. “If I’m walking to pick you up, I might need these.” He spoke to Harry who only laughed. He grabbed them just in case.

With a kiss on the cheek, Harry made his own way through the store, mentioning something about jam and was off before Niall could ask. He only chuckled and went about looking through the clothes, glancing around. He was about the round the corner of the aisle and step into the home supplies when he ran into a more solid body.

“Oh, fuck, sorry.” Niall was mumbling, looking up.

“Nah, my bad mate.” The brunette spoke to him, giving a soft smile. Niall had to do a double take, because he honestly thought he just imagined the face he just saw. He turned and before the man was too far away, he spoke.

“Louis?” Niall asked, watching the man turn back to him.

“Uh.. yeah?” The look spreading across Louis’ face was one of confusion, his head tilting slightly. “How.. do you know my name?” Just behind Louis, a black, short haired man was coming down the same aisle holding a few boxes of cereal.

“Lou they didn’t have what you want- oh. Hey, sorry.” He spoke, raising his eyebrows to Louis then to Niall. “Didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“Yeah… you weren’t.” Louis spoke, his judging gaze casting down over Niall.

The blond was frozen, watching them as they were about to turn away. He wanted to say something. A fuck you, or a fuck off, possibly, but he was tounge tied.

They he heard it.

“Niall? Where are you?” Harry was calling for him, coming down the very end of the back side of the store.

It took a second for both men to realize what they heard and who they heard, but when Harry finally found Niall, they were turning back around to the blond. He swallowed and glanced behind him.

“Harry.” Niall whispered and Harry was about to speak but was too late, catching a glimpse of the two in front of him.

It felt like he got punched. The air in his lungs disappeared and his throat closed up, gazing down the line to their faces, their awkward glances at each other, their shuffling feet.

It felt like a life time before somebody moved, before somebody said something, before the earth was moving again around them. Harry didn’t hear them saying “hey” before they were walking on, the blood rushing too quick in his ears. He just wanted to melt down into the earth and stay there. He never wants to come out again, truthfully.

However, he remembered that there was a man was standing right in front of him. His hand came out and he took a hold of what he could grab of Niall, gripping onto the arm of his shirt.

“Harry.. Hey, Harry, c’mon. It’s okay, breathe.” It sounded like he was underwater, Niall sounded so far away, but he was there, right in front of him. He could see him but he didn’t feel like he was there in the same room, in the same universe as him.

“In and out. In your nose, out your mouth. Harry. Harry? Listen to me.” Niall was speaking, looking into his eyes. He even gave Harry’s cheek a soft pat, gaining some attention from him.

Harry finally let the breath he was holding go and he did as he was told, inhaling and exhaling as Niall talked him through it in front of the cookies in this little shop.

\--

It kind of hit Harry in the gut that night, in the cold. It brought back some reality to him, making him realize that the cold meant more snow. It meant long nights inside, hot cocoa and warm socks, and cozy fires in the fireplace, and Christmas.

He felt bad, ruining this time of the season for Niall. The ending of November was cold as ever outside and in; at least for Harry. By now he’d have his tree up, the lights strung in every corner and every crevice. The whole flat would smell of sugar and mint and carols would be playing loud the neighbors upstairs would complain and they’d say sorry with sweets.

Harry hasn’t even considered what somebody would want for gifts this year.

He’d had lists done and half of the gifts wrapped by now. He’d call his mum and sister, and nan, and he’d visit them and help with their decorating just so he could do more of it.

He hasn’t talked to them since last week.

And they must know why, they all must think about poor Harry and this year, how hard it’s going to be.

They of course know about Niall, and how much he’s helped, how much Harry  _ loves  _ him, but that’s the only thing they do know. They don’t know about the weeks he spent in his living room, staring at the tree they decorated together and how he’d cry to it every night. They never knew about the drugs, he’d be dead by his mother’s will if they knew that. They never knew the long nights and the stupid thoughts and the anger.

Harry just had to make it through this month. He could do it. He had Niall, he had the one person he needed to push through, and he was going to fucking do it. 

\--

**_December_ **

“What about like… a cactus?” Niall asked, looking over at Harry from across the couch. Harry stopped and raised his head up from his magazine to look directly at Niall.

“A Christmas Cactus.”

“Yeah! It’s different, it’s not a tree, totally a different species of plant.” Niall smiled to him. “You could hang stuff from the needles on it. Like that popcorn garland, yeah?”

“You’re ridiculous.” Harry spoke, grabbing his phone as he googled where you could find large cactuses.

\--

They bought one, a 5 foot cactus. They made homemade garland, too. stringing pieces of popcorn on string while they listened to The Rolling Stones. Niall bought sweets for them as well, and they tasted like pineapple.

Niall also bought little cactus lights from the party store along with streamers that they strung around it. Once it was decorated, Niall came back to sit by Harry on the floor where he looked up at their creation, resting his head on the younger man’s shoulder.

“I feel stupid.” Harry whispered, glancing around their home. It felt bare, he felt lost in it, almost. Niall’s arm curled around Harry’s and pulled him back in, hugging onto him tightly.

“Don’t feel stupid. It’s cute.” Niall smiled and turned his head to look at Harry. He frowned, though, looking at the emptiness in his eyes. “Tell me what you’re thinking about.” He whispered to Harry, encouraging him to speak his thoughts.

Harry looked down to the floor for a moment, swallowing. “Don’t be mad.” He whispered back to Niall. The blond shook his head. “I won’t be mad.”

“I miss it. I miss the old life I had. I miss. I miss the extravagant time we had. I don’t miss him at all, I just… I miss the  _ feeling  _ of it.” Harry breathed out slowly. “I feel it when I’m with you, and when it’s good but.. it just hasn’t been good recently, because I feel like I’m losing it all over again.”

Niall curled his head down in, listening to Harry talk slow. He pressed light kisses to his open palms, nuzzling along in them, like he always does. “You’re not going to lose it.” Niall whispered into his hand.

“How can I be so sure? I thought I’d never lose him and how I felt, but I did.” Harry finally turned his head to look down at his palm, watching Niall trace over it in circles.

“Because I’m not him, and that isn’t you anymore. You’ve  _ changed  _ Harry, you’ve been through things. It happens. The process isn’t over. You’re still learning, coping. feeling.” Niall’s finger tips tap on Harry’s skin and all he can do is nod, taking in each word personally.

\--

As the month rushes on and the tv’s switch from regular programming to Extreme Christmas Schedule, Harry spends more time doing things. He goes to the park with Niall and plays in the snow for the first time in a long time. They make fools of themselves and act like children. Harry invites his friends over to have game nights, play stupid things. They drink and Harry lets himself have a few sips of wine with Niall agreeing to watch his intake.

Harry’s mum and step-dad and sister come down early in the week and join in the games, playing late into the night before heading home. They promise to return back for the actual day that doesn’t need to be mentioned, and Harry agrees they should do dinner.

Niall skypes his parents back home, telling them that he’ll be back for the New Year, and he’ll be bringing Harry. Niall’s mum is especially excited to meet him.

And they avoid it, and it’s a bit rough, but they’re happy and they’re settled and Harry doesn’t care what people think. He has Niall, and he has his family who understand, his friends who love his cactus. And he doesn’t need anything else.

\--

**_December 25th_ **

Both Harry and Niall wake up around 10 am, spending half their morning in bed lounging around while the other half is in the kitchen trying to think of something fun to make for breakfast. They settle on pancakes, pouring the batter into shape cutters to make random flower shapes and weird looking cars. They eat while watching some movie on the television and Niall falls asleep halfway through because he’s a true lazy bum.

They sneak a shower in before Harry’s family arrives and they’re off with the cooking and baking with Harry in charge of the duck and Gemma and Anne fixing up everything else. Niall and Robin find themselves watching random sports on the television, sneaking into the kitchen for some taste tests only to be shooed away by one of the three cooks.

Niall goes in for a drink about an hour before dinner and he’s being motioned into the dining room by a sneaky looking Anne who only gives a soft smile to him. Once in there, he smiles back to her.

“How are you love?” She asks, leaning up in to give him a tight hug, squeezing on him.

“I’ve been great, I’m excited for tonight. S’gonna be delicious, cause you helped.” He winked and she shushed him, chuckling to herself.

“You know it’s all Harry, he’s the star cook. He’s actually why I called you in, darling.” Niall’s eyebrow rose. “Oh?”

“It’s nothing wrong, nothing at all. It’s just.” She pondered for a moment, thinking. “I just wanted to say that you’re so strong for.. staying with him. And I really wanted to say thank you for believing in him. And showing him the right path.” She smiled to hide the tears that wanted to fall from her eyes, tilting her head. “I know he loves you, darling, Niall. We all do, you’re such a sweet boy.”

Niall could only smile bashfully down to her, nodding slightly before biting his lip. “He knew the right path the whole time. He’s smart, he’s.. wonderful. Gosh, he’s so wonderful and beautiful and.. thank you. I will always believe in him.” Niall finally mumbled while he looked down at her. She was nearly in tears as she hugged him tight, her hug familiar to Harry’s.

“Be there for him. Especially tomorrow.” She whispered.

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”

\--

Harry sat next to Niall during dinner, as if he would sit somewhere else. He would give him soft touches, small smiles, fond eyes. Niall returned every one of them, leaning in to give him reassuring kisses and small nods.

He was still antsy, though. Harry’s knee would jiggle and he’d pick on his nails, biting on them before he reminded himself he wasn’t 10 anymore. He had to take a few deep breaths every now and then, telling himself he was okay, that he’d make it through.

His family was there with only support and love, no matter what. He still couldn’t help but touch on Niall’s arm or leg or look at him for a few moments to just realize, and see him. He never got impatient, never got angry, never got upset. Niall would look to him and smile, blow a kiss or make a funny face, just to give Harry a moment of comic relief. Just so he’d smile.

Just for Harry.

Even after dinner as they sat and played games, Harry was on Niall’s team, laughing along with Niall, holding his hand. Niall would rub along the inside of Harry’s palm, give it a soft stroke.

Through the night, the snow came down heavier and heavier. The house was lit with soft lights, everybody laughing around the table as they played.

Anne’s phone blinged with a message and she grimaced at the phone. “It says here the roads are getting worse. It’s snowing worse the more north you go.”

Harry swallowed nervously and glanced between his family. “If you guys need to head out now, it’s fine. We totally understand.” He turned to Niall for assurance and he was on Harry’s trail, nodding.

“Absolutely.” Niall said, his hand squeezing onto Harry’s.

Anne gave a saddening look to Harry before she gave him a soft kiss to his head. They were going for their jackets a moment after that, Niall staying back with Harry for a moment.

“It’s okay.” Niall said softly, reassuring Harry.

\--

They had been gone for a good hour when Anne was texting Harry, telling they were going to make it home perfectly fine. One less thing to worry about out of the millions that were on his mind at the moment.

He was debating whether to stay up or go to bed, both making him scared. If he went to bed, this whole situation would either end or just start again. He didn’t want to find out, either. He really wish he could just freeze time and live with Niall in this moment for good.

He stared at Niall on the couch beside him, lounging while his eyes watched the colors flick around on the telly. He looked back in the same direction as him for a moment.

“Whenever you’re ready. And if you don’t want to, we can pull an all nighter.” Niall mumbled, his eyes now looking to Harry. Harry didn’t look to him, but looked instead to the wall of photos to his left, looking down over them from the ice cream incident to when they were playing in the snow together, acting like love sick fools. There’s a picture of them as Mick and Keith with their Halloween trophy sitting down below the picture. There’s one of them Nick snuck where they’re just stealing a kiss when they thought nobody was looking.

Harry takes a slow breath in and does the same as he exhales.

“No. I. I think I’m ready to go to bed.” He nods and he looks to Niall, and puts on a brave smile.

Niall returns the smile to him before they’re both standing up and heading upstairs.

\--

They’ve been in bed for a good two hours and Harry watches on quietly as Niall’s fast asleep next to him. He thinks, maybe if he just keeps his eyes open, he’ll never leave and he’ll stay right here with Harry forever.

Maybe he doesn’t have to keep his eyes open. Maybe he just needs to keep his heart open, and his mind open, and Niall will fit himself in there perfectly and he’ll never have to find another place to be.

Harry falls asleep somewhere in between 4am and 5am, the moon casting white light across the both of them.

\--

He wakes up with a soft gasp, half his face pressed down into the pillow. His eyes closed up again for a moment and let out a soft groan while his body adjusted from his sleep state. He stretches his legs out down below him. While he curls them back up, his feet nudge up against another leg, not one that belongs to his body and he’s turning his head, glancing back behind him.

He takes in a deep breath to find the soft boy sleeping still, his mouth open with a bit of drool pooling below his lip. He looks like an angel in the dim light. Outside, it continues to snow, the whole town covered in clouds and gloom.

“Niall.” Harry whispered to himself like it’s a miracle, like his name is the key to everything that matters in the world.

The blond shifts and is waking up, soft noises and sweet little groans come from his lips but his eyes are opening, and they’re darting around the room for a moment before they close back up again.

“Niall.” He says finally, in a regular voice, and the body next to him hums out in question. He tries to lift his head but fails, letting it fall back against the pillow.

Harry smiles to himself as his chest swells and expands, the fondness growing as he watches Niall raise his head again, this time with enough strength to look at Harry.

“Can we get some food? Like.. dat vegan place or somethin’, I’m starvin.” Is the first thing that comes out of Niall’s mouth.

Harry laughs to himself. Typical, really.

“Yeah, we can.” He replies.

This feeling settles in Harry’s bone, a sense of completeness. Niall’s eyes open back up to gaze over Harry and he feels warm, and comfortable, like he’s bathing in the summer sun.

His sun. 

**Author's Note:**

> complain to me about this on my twitter - domniall


End file.
